Off the Derech People Are Dangerous and Can Sleep With Your Daughter

Posted: September 13, 2010 in Religion, Sex
Tags: , , , , ,

Reposted from In My Humble Jewish Opinion, a dead or sleeping blog.

Charedim try to “dance at all parties” by making sex completely taboo, yet fearing it looms around every corner.

This past week’s Chinuch Roundtable in the Yated made me kind of upset.
The question came from a parent who has two teenaged daughters and an 8-year-old son. They live near a frum drug rehab center. The residents there are in their 20s, have gone off the derech, many come from rabbinical households or yichus, and are “hungry for a home. “

She asks whether she should worry about the influence that these kids will have on her children.
“I would like to know your feelings regarding exposing children to these types of boys and their sometimes off-color comments.” In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?

In my opinion, she answered her own question when she ended her letter with the following, in parenthesis for some odd reason, “In the last few years, some of these boys have become Shomer Shabbos. One went to Eretz Yisrael and one even married a frum girl.”

The rabbis on the panel were faced with a tough question. Many of them wrote that they asked their own rabbonim to get their thoughts on the matter.

What surprised me was the number of rabbis who chose to focus on the males in their 20’s in the presence of teenaged girls. It’s not about the drugs. It’s not about the off-color comments. It’s not about the 8-year-old getting funny ideas in his head. No. It’s about the chance that one of these guys would hit on the teenagers.

Notice that the writer didn’t mention anything of that nature happening over the past few years. I think these guys know that if they were to do anything inappropriate, they wouldn’t be allowed back there. Thus, had they attempted to hit on the daughters, the writer would no longer have this question.

Clearly, these young men value these meals, and are grateful to be invited to a warm, welcoming frum home, and they are willing do what it takes to maintain a good rapport with this family.

I have a lot of respect for this family for giving these guys something that they perhaps lacked throughout their teen years. A warm, welcoming home. We don’t know for sure, but I’d venture to say that this family had a share in the other young men’s successes.

The rabbis go so far as to say even if these guys were bachurim in a yeshiva, they don’t belong in a home with teenaged daughters.

This attitude only allows me to conclude one thing. These rabbonim seem to think that every man is a horny animal and every woman is a sex object.

I have a brother 3 1/2 years my senior. Does that mean he should never have any friends over? Do these rabbis think that we’ll be playing footsie under the table since he’s a guy and I’m a girl?! Is every guy that horny?

A healthy ta’avas nashim is necessary for the functioning of any male in society.
In other words, yes, men want to have sex. That is how Hashem created them.

Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that every guy is a sack of raging hormones, and every girl is a sex object. There is more to both sexes than, well, sex.

One rav wrote, “Even if these bochurim were the best bochurim in Lakewood, they should never be invited to a home that has older daughters.” (If “older” is 19+ and they are seeking a learning guy — well, G-d forbid a shidduch come out of this and prevent the two of them from experiencing the sometimes painful shidduch system! That would be just tragic, wouldn’t it — Sorry, I digressed. Couldn’t help it.)

Clearly, the other very important issue at hand, which I believe is what the letter-writer was really asking, is whether these guys who “fell into the wrong crowd” and throw in an off-color comment once in a while, put the children at risk. That is for another day, perhaps.

My thoughts:

She’s a little bit all over the place but what I want to point out are the issue of frum people- not all of them- focusing on things for the stigma associated with it rather than the actual problem.

The other thing is about the shidduch system- why indeed are they so afraid of young people meeting in a healthy environment?

As for guys being a raging sack of hormones- we definitely are, but that doesn’t mean every girl is a sex object. That’s almost as much up to the way the girl puts out, as it is up to the way the guy treats a girl.

The last point is more a comment on the way the post, or the question in the newspaper was written. And I quote from the blog’s author “In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?”  It makes people with issues into cases. Now, perhaps being on drugs warrants being termed a “case” but something tells me their being called a case arose from their not being religious, not the fact that they may have been crackheads.

Now I think I’m all over the place too. Oh well.

"Hem Rotzim V'anu Ro'im". Too funny not to put in here even though it's completely irrelevant.

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Comments
  1. YR says:

    This reminded me of a FS post from almost exactly a year ago. If I didn’t know you any better, I’d accuse you of plagiarism 🙂

    http://www.frumsatire.net/2009/09/10/dont-worry-im-not-going-to-have-sex-with-your-daughter-at-the-shabbos-table/

  2. offthedwannab says:

    I think she made great points all around. The issue was not addressed (at least in her telling), and young men and women today’s biggest problem, it seems, is talking to a member of the opposite sex.

    I don’t agree totally with your point of stigmatization. This woman writing in said straight out that she has no experience with boys/men off the derech and didn’t know what to expect. That’s why she wrote in to that bastion of wisdom, the holy yated, in the first place. Do you disagree with asking advice from qualified people before entering unfamiliar situations?

    • It’s kind of an issue where parents, raising children in 2010, don’t know what is and what isn’t an issue and danger to their children. Drugs is, being exposed to people of the opposite sex, isn’t. The woman asking the question seems like she’s got no idea what is a real and what is an imagined danger.

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