Lookin’ Like A Fool With Your Pants on The Ground!

Posted: October 13, 2010 in Religion
Tags: , , ,

All throughout my early innocent childhood years I repeatedly heard people talk about what happens if you find yourself walking down the street when you suddenly realize your Armani suit pants contain wool and linen.

As some of you may know, such an article of clothing is prohibited according to Jewish Law. This Law is known as a Chok, which means we don’t know the reason for it.

Blindly following some random obscure law isn’t a favorite pasttime of mine, but even less savory would be to pants myself in public. You see, the prohibition against wearing clothing containing wool and linen is considered so severe, whereupon discovering that the pants you are wearing are made of illegal material, one must remove them immediately.

Every time this law and consequential scenario were brought up, an argument ensued, where the frummies insisted they would definitely comply, and the rest of us said the frummies wouldn’t. We of course never would. Nor would we believe that the person we considered our sane classmate would either. I can just see the story in the papers “Yeshiva student arrested after publicly removing his pants…”

Seriously? Does any sane person actually believe God wants you to remove your pants in public to avoid wearing wool and linen? I find it hard to believe he even cares! As a German friend of mine exclaimed upon hearing the laws of Shatnez “So if you rape someone you go to hell, if you wear a linen suit…its EPIC HELL for you!”

I mean if embarrasing someone else in public is like killing someone, shouldn’t embarrassing yourself in public be something along the lines of suicide? I know it isn’t but the absurdity of it all kinda speaks for itself.

I think I’ll open a clothing line for women, say wool skirts. At a certain time, maybe right after shul when all the women are congregated yapping about god knows what, I’ll announce that theres some linen in there too. It”ll be like Improv Everywhere’s No Pants Subway Ride. Party on.

Some more reasons a Yeshiva Bochur may strip in public:

1. He realized his shirt wasn’t completely white – it had faint blue lines.

2. He realized his shirt was actually clean and not wrinkled.

3. His pants weren’t mirrors yet. One’s pants must be very shiny to be considered a top bochur.

4. He realized his pants weren’t black. Grey won’t do – he’d have to go to one of those more modern Yeshivos for that- maybe Chaim Berlin.

For a Bais Yaakov girl:

1. Her stockings had a seam. If you’re chassidish it’d be because they had no seam.

2. Skirt is too long. A skirt that goes past the “3 inches above the ankle line” is flary and may give Bachurim hard-ons. Better be accused of forgetting to put one on then buying one that you shouldn’t.

3. Neckline plunges way to low. I’m talking some serious collarbone action here.

4. Her shirt was tight enough to realize she had boobs larger than an A cup. Not that there’s anything wrong with A cups.

5. If she is married:

Hot chanie: realizes she’s wearing a snood in public, removes it.

Chassid: she realizes her hat on top of her shaitel blew off,


or perhaps she had playboy bunnies on her head and realized it, unlike this woman...


so removed it, revealing her shiny bald scalp. Sexy. Better people should thing she’s a single woman with alopecia or god forbid something worse, than be caught without that double covering. (If they’d just not shave their heads, maybe one covering would be enough?)


I guess she was wearing Shatnez too. You can see the joy of doing a good deed just shining from her holy face.


  1. Rachel Black says:

    Hahahahahahahahahaha! They have it figured out before you were born. Just wear long underwear, long socks and a long jacket

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