The REAL Shidduch Crisis as Seen On CalmKallahs

Posted: January 28, 2011 in Brainwashing, Religion, Sex
Tags: , , , , , , ,

So there’s this girl who wrote into the forum known as completely freaking out. She posted there the following:

“k-i am your typical frum girl in shidduchim-learning guys… i am freaking out and dont know what to do with myself… to make a long story short- i met a guy who i cannot marry- for a lot of reasons-but we liked each other so much and ended up talking, eventually meeting and got physical and recently we had sex. i am flipping out. i never talked to a guy b4 except on dates and dont no what to do…. will i still be able to marry a frum learning boy? am i ruined forever? in my heart i am still a frum bais yaakov girleven tho i know i messed up big time and have not told anyone about this and cant imagine doing so- no one would ever believe it so dont tell me to tell my parents. please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel so lost and hopeless!!!”

Let me preface by saying I completely understand the world in which she comes from. I came from there too. So it’s not her I think is amazingly lost, but her world. (And my past?)

It’s sad that a community exists that has such issues. A girl and guy met. They dated. They liked each other and had sex. Pretty standard. At this point they’d either continue dating, or break up, or continue on a no strings attached thing.

She’s living in a community where dating is more of a weird ritual than a normal part of life. Falling in and out of love is normal. But no, in her community it’s frowned upon. Taboo.

She has standards set for her already by her schools, that say she must marry someone who sits and learns. She feels lost and helpless, which is normal. Akin to the way one hears unearthly shrieks in a mental home.

Normal? No. Understandable? Yes.

She followed up with a comment, responding to those who had given her so much “strength”. They’d offered her wise words such as “dont ever tell a soul”, “hashem will forgive you” and other asinine comments which, although in tandem with the poster, are completely missing the boat.

She said:

“thanks everone for your posts. no BH i am not preg-there was protection(he took care of it i was clueless). i really appriciate the chizuk i was feeling so so depressed. regarding not telling my future hub-isnt it a prob for th emarraige to be kosher? isnt it a form of mekach taus or wtvr its called? i kno i will have to talk to a rav eventually-but i cant imagine him it all working out… im so confused and regret this so, so much… thnks everyone again…”


The one smart commenter said she should have left her masmid husband durnig sheva brachos, or “broches”,  as she wrote it.

I just wish she would find it within herself to live a happy life, follow her dreams and rid herself of the notion she clearly has,that she’s part of a normal society and is dealing with a real issue.

For your own interest here’s a link to a post where someone has more of a real issue. She’s fallig in love with someone, but she already married someone. It is indeed an issue, although it’s interesting. Think about it: A married woman falling in love for the first time. She’s married to a man who she likely was set up with through shidduchim. It unfortunate that her first chance to experience love is after she’s married.

Now read the next post for the modern orthodox perspective on all this…


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