To Read This Post, Please Dial 3

Posted: May 4, 2011 in Life Musings
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

sometimes, change can be a good thing

Traditions can sometimes be nice. Rules helpful. Both meant to be broken. Some were never meant to be made in the first place. Such as:

1. Poking.

I’m referring to Facebook poking of course. The other type of poking should be avoided at all costs. (Even if it means showering without soap.) I mean, if you’re too shy to message that girl you haven’t spoken to in a while, you think poking her will help? It’s like typing a “period” when a girl hasn’t texted back, so she’ll see you texted her. Then you pass it off as an accident. Lame. C’mon we know you do that.

Bottom line: It’s old, pointless, and should definitely go!

2. “Please listen closely as our menu options have changed.” 

I don’t call you that often. And even if I did, I certainly wouldn’t memorize your damn menu options, that I’d be confused if they weren’t the same as last time. “Oh, wait, I just pressed 4, why am I being directed to the Electronic’s Sales department? It’s supposed to be the Outdoor Appliances Department. Damn Lowes and their menu changes!”

Besides, why can’t I get a person on the phone right away?

I recently called a school, and the nasal voice on the other end said “If you have a touch-tone phone, please dial 4 now.” REALLY?? I’d say please remember to turn your calendar to 1989. Oh, and peel off those tie-dye pants, will you?

And don’t even say the word “Hipser.” You’re not cool with your rotary app on your iPhone!

Bottom line: Your menu options?? Puhh-lease!

3. “This call may be monitored for quality assurance.”

I don’t care. I’m not a spy, and you’re not my field officer. And we don’t have the soviets eavesdropping. I’m just trying to get a technician on the phone, so I can troubleshoot my printer!

Bottom Line: Some things are better left unsaid.

4. When printing a recipe on cereal boxes, repeatedly using the brand name.

Delicious, scrumptious, crispy Chex Party Mix.


3 cups Corn Chex® cereal
3 cups Rice Chex® cereal
3 cups Wheat Chex® cereal
1 cup mixed nuts
1 cup bite-size pretzels
1 cup garlic-flavor bite-size bagel chips or regular-size bagel chips, broken into 1-inch pieces
6 tablespoons butter or margarine
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 teaspoons seasoned salt
3/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder

I’ll use whatever the hell brand of cereal I want, and you sure know it! Or how’s about that Elmer’s Glue Mother’s day project they have on their website. Firstly, noone wants to do your silly project. If the kid wants to make her Mom a paper flower for Mothers Day, she won’t go to to find an idea.

But take a look at what they write:

“Add flowers to the stems. One way to create flower petals is by using Elmer’s Squeeze ‘n Brush® paintbrushes to place dots of paint along the stems. Paint the dots in small clusters and the petals will begin to look like flowers. Another way to create flowers is to squeeze a few drops of paint from Elmer’s 3D Paint pens® onto a paper plate. Mix each color with white paint to lighten the colors and make them more opaque. Dip your fingertips into the paint and make color dots along the stems of the flowers. Let the paint dry completely.”

Oh, this awesome flower won’t look half as limp as it would if you use an Elmer’s Sqeeze ‘n Brush ®  paintbrush.

Bottom line: Don’t pretend like you’re the only brand out there, it’s obnoxious, and way to sales-pitchy for 2011

  1. Marty McFly says:

    I’m glad that you’re thinking about everyday things people tend to skim over. Although in reality, #1 is for nostalgia, #3 for legal issues/common courtesy, #4 for branding.

    BUT # 2!!! ARGH.

  2. rick says:

    funny stuff. especially #2

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