Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

I love subways. Put two native New Yorkers in an enclosed space, virtually take away their cell phones, and interesting shit happens. That’s why i love the subway. Something about looking out at the Lower Manhattan skyline and the Brooklyn bridge through grimy, scratched-up windows of a rickety subway car on a hot summers day has tempers and perhaps hormones flying.

Trust me on that last one.

A few weeks ago, while coming back from work, which is no longer in DUMBO, I walk onto a train car and sit down next to…a cute girl. No I wasn’t creeping; it was the only empty seat. Or one of the last 50 empty seats.

Whatever.

Some dude walks up to me, leans over and softly whispers in my ear “Can you help me out, perhaps spare 50 cents?” Now THAT’S creepy. I didn’t give him the money.

Needless to say, she overheard and thus began our conversation about NY, homeless people and jobs. Subject of nationality came up, I asked her if she was black, and she said no, she’s white, and Jewish. I should’ve known. Anyway we’re talking about whatever two people talk about on a subway, which is usually meaningless banter, except by now she knows my background; the average white guy doesn’t know names of girls seminaries in Israel unless he’s been there, done that.

Been there. Done that. Get it?

Nah I kid, the worst (best?) that I did in Israel was get drunk with friends. And without. And not much more. Long story, wrong forum.

Back to this girl. I’m talking to her, and I’m staring at her. Now I can’t figure out why, I mean I know she’s cute, but I’m looking at her because something about her is familiar. [insert creep horror movie soundtrack here]

She gets a text from Jonathan. Ya I saw her screen. How else would I know? It was at that moment that I looked at her, and almost in what seemed to me slow motion, I said you’re dating Jonathan So-and-so! [Inner wheels in my brain screech to a halt. That’s my dudes girl here. Whoa. Backtrack, reboot. Whoops?]

Silence.

“Your name is Leona, or Leora…Kaplan”

“Yes, my names Leora Kaplan!”

“Ya, your boyfriend, who’s a friend of mine, (whom I only met twice in my life…) has your face as his profile picture.”

Now I’m really not the Facebook stalker type. I don’t recognize people before I meet them. That’s some Inception shit right there.

(Although I just yesterday recognized someone I’d seen briefly, by putting her first name and the person who mentioned her first name together with memories of a certain Racheli who’d been dating an English friend of mine two years ago…maybe I have a knack for names. I should be a private investigator.)

But hey, it’s NYC. It’s the subway.

We spent the next 10 stops marveling over how in a city of 9 million people, I bump into the one person that I don’t know, and recognize.

Oh, and both of you, “Leora and Jonathan”, next time you come to my neighborhood I’ll get a few friends together and we’ll all reminisce about the old times. Whatever old times you want.

“Stand clear of the closing doors please. The next stop is 34th Street.”

Encounters 3, 4 and 5 will be combined into one post. Stay tuned later this week.

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Subway Encounters Part 1

Posted: July 15, 2011 in Random
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I’m a friendly guy. I meet people where ever I go. Living in NYC I’ve had met some amazing people and figured I’d share.

Perhaps I’m just aware of what and who is around me and I like talking, or perhaps I’m just a creep. Either way, it certainly doesn’t hurt to know some great people. At the very least, it gives me interesting stories.

A few months ago, while working in DUMBO – which for those of you who aren’t aware, is where the real cool people hide out,  I used to take the same train every day. I always took the late train. You kow the one where everyone looks hungover and guilty they aren’t in their office and it’s 10am…

Anyway, I saw this cute short girl a bunch of times, but never said anything. I guess I wasn’t in a talkative mood during the winter. Well one day I did approach her and we chatted a bit. I asked her for coffee but she said she was busy that night, and we never did meet up.

Maybe she isn’t a drinker.

She did find me on Twitter however. Stalker girl. Or maybe it was the other way around.

Anyhow I stumbled across her blog and from there to this video of her doing standup comedy.

Probably from the top ten best standup videos I’ve ever seen, and I normally HATE  standup comedy.

Oh, and Marina, my offer for coffee still stands.

This post was written by a friend of mine, an amazing talented young mind. For me, it’s an expression of independence, of self reliance, yet also of humility and friendship. An expression of the vastness of the universe, yet acknowledging our ability to carve out a place for ourselves. Read, digest and enjoy.

The Spoken Word

What can I say that hasn’t been spoken, or written about? My thoughts aren’t original; Unheard of, yes, but Brand New, no. I speak words that have already been spoken. I’m reciting quotes from souls that spoke to me. I’m no man, no human, no category; I’m just a translator (a poor one at that.) I’m suppose to give a message of purpose and strength, but how can I tell you to follow something I fully don’t understand myself. The Big Cheese, God, The Universe, your Master or Sensei has spoken to me, and I am here speaking to you. I cannot save you. He/she cannot save you. Only you can save yourself. Fear, ha, doesn’t exist. Science simply a way to define shit that needs no explanation, but we strive so eagerly around purpose and divine understanding. There is nothing divine but the Earth, Air and Water we destroy but again, I’m just a translator. You, yes you, are the do-er, the changer, the explanation point and the period. Enough said, because any longer and I’ll lose you in your own words because The Simplest form being the hardest to decipher. Good day dear newly born minds, or minds that are afraid of truth. Good Day. I said, “Good Day, Dear Friends.”

 

Airplane Confusion

Gothamist had this article about Jews wearing tefillin called

“Tefillin Totin’ Jews Terrorize Another Airplane”

Dramatic, right?

It’s the comments on that article that intrigued me:

– Don’t people understand that Jews do not directly involve themselves in a terror scheme… They let the American CIA do it for them.
Sheesh!

In reponse to above: Have you always been stupid or was there a time, maybe in the second grade, when a teacher told you that there was “promise”? Educate yourself, you fool.

Response back: Do I educate myself by first ignoring the uncomfortable bedfellows that is Israel & the CIA? Ignorance is bliss, HO. I think you might need some educating, too. I loved 2nd grade.

– If you’ve never seen the ritual, it’s pretty scary/intense, especially on a plane. I’m a jew and it still creeps me out.

– hey, all you religious nuts, keep your prayers at home in the church or temple…any one tying boxes to their heads on a plane needs to have their heads examined. so irresponsible…religious fools.
Response: Have you seen how Jews are able to control their women? It’s definitely the best religion for that.

– There’s a time and place for everything. Inflexibility is the Orthodox creed. In today’s world public safety must trump religious ritual every time. With this said, I smell a freedom of religion suit with these facts reaching the Supreme Court in about 5 years. Watch for it.

– Judaism allows for flexibility in a lot of things. Those who insist on putting on Tefillin on a airplane should find a loophole…Judaism is full of them. And besides, standing up during a flight is not only dangerous for the people doing it, it puts others at risk too.

– Some day we will get over religion and its superstitions and work on evolving as a society.
In response: No we won’t. It’s too easy to pretend there’s some supernatural daddy figure in the sky telling you what’s right and wrong so you never have to take responsibility and think for yourself. And most people, whether it’s in their private lives or professional or anywhere else, will do what’s easiest no matter what the consequences.

– Agreed! Wait until you get off the plane to perform the prayer rituals.

-Hitler would be proud.
In response: Godwin would not. (awesome reference!)

– I’ve never understood loud religious rituals at all. If you’re praying to an almighty deity, surely he’ll hear you even if you whisper or just think your prayers. There’s no correlation between true, heartfelt piety and aural volume anyway. Often, the people who are the loudest with their “hallelujahs” and “praise the Lord” are the least pious. For example, Pat Robertson, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, the Westboro freaks – the list goes on and on.

– While I don’t think these guys are getting supernatural powers from “tefillin'” I certainly think it is a bit ridiculous that people freak out whenever anyone who isn’t white does some of their religious mumbo-jumbo. Pray the rosary: those beads are okay. pray with tefillin & suddenly DUN DUN DUN. TERROR!

– Hilarious.


Religious Impersonator Deena Mann

Posted: March 10, 2011 in Random
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This girl is probably on the fringes of the Chasidic world…I don’t remember where I first saw her videos but they seem to be growing in popularity…I keep seeing it reposted on Facebook. Don’t have more than links for most of them.

Gettin’ her nails did

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=390944325334

Calling out Bloomberg as Sheniqua

Purim as Sheniqua

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150112727130335

imitating hasidic jews going to Miami…she finally got a youtube channel…80,000 views and counting

A response by someone to Deena’s video. This girl takes the accent of the most Yeshivish Rebbetzins out there…she’s pretty damn accurate, it’s scary.

When Did Woohoo! Become a Word?

Posted: February 28, 2011 in Random
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Your local WaMu Bank Teller

I remember the day quite vividly. I was walking past a WaMu Bank and noticed a sign announcing what mustv’e been good news. The sign read something like “WOOHOO! Get $200 when signing up for a WaMu account today!”.

Wait.

Did they just say WOOHOO!?

My potential financial institution, the people responsible for safeguarding my finances, saying WOOHOO! like some skinny drunkard with tattered shorts running down the alleyway, cracked beer bottle in his hand, yelling WOOHOO! I knocked that guy in the bar out but good!

Besides, what’s the logic of signing up to get $200? I should sign up with a bunch of adult-children who will surely make paper airplanes out of my money, because they hide behind a colorful sign and a cheap suit they bought at Goodwill?

Not that I have anything against Goodwill.

At all.

I’m sure they do wonderful things for the children of Africa.

Or is that the Red Cross?

Oh, and did I mention, the WaMU sign had a bird on it. A little yellow BIRD. Now HOW is a bird going to convince me to sign away my life to WaMu?

Besides who the hell decided to give a bank a nickname??

My nephew gets a nickname. My dog gets a nickname.

It’s cute.

My BANK does not need a nickname. I do NOT want my bank sounding cute.

I shudder thinking about the marketing team meeting that went into the development of the WOOHOO! I imagine some guy, definitely in a crumpled suit, possibly having not showered that morning after having slept on the couch all night because his wife kicked him out. Which brings me to another point about who gives her the right to do so. It’s probably his house anyway, she should just stay in the kitchen making sammiches all day. But that’s another story.

Back to our meeting. So Mr. Crumples suit, yawning, gets up in front of 10 people, probably all interns, and blurts out the phrase his one year old son was making all night long –  WOO-HOO!

So the young interns, being over eager and burning to succeed in the glamorous world of the WaMu tellers, write down on their note pads “WOOHOO!”

And then Mr. Crumpled Suit farts and promptly falls asleep.

For those of you who have trouble distinguishing between right and wrong, I offer you a visual representation... Any questions?

What defines something as wrong? Technically is there something wrong with banging a goat? It’s sick, disgusting and if I know anyone who did it I’d never talk to them again. But I think we define wrong as something that is out of our societal norms. let me give a few examples:

Oh, and please don’t leave comments telling me I’m making stereoypes etc. I’m not dumb. I’m well aware that most people in each segment probably don’t conform to those stereotypes, but that’s why they’re called stereotypes. Cuz that’s all it is. A stereoype, not reality.

Someone learning at R’ Avrohom Yehoshua: I know a bochur who’s mamesh messed up.  He learns more than a blatt every half year. He zicher doesn’t have right p’shat. He also has a second cousin that goes to YU.

Someone at R’ Tzvi: walking outside without hat and jacket, or coming to shiur after the door is locked…

Mir: Um…

BJJ girl: Marrying a boy from the other Brisk.

Hadar: Not listening to every word Mrs. Orenstein says.

All the Yeshivas with acronyms: AJ, TJ, OJ etc. : Listening to the Rabbis. A definite no-no.

YU: Disparaging The Rav, or referring to Rav Chaim when saying The Rav.

Upper West Side guy before 23: Having sex. So young to give up on finding a true mate.

Upper West Side guy after 23: Taking off your Yarmulka before walking into a bar. What’s there to be ashamed of. Leaving with a girl just shows your straight, that’s cool.

Chabad Dudes: You can do what you like, sleep with how ever many people you like, go to South America on a road trip and not keep Shabbos, but for God’s sake, don’t forget The Rebbe is big stuff, MaMesh.

Chabad Girls: Not liking hooka. A true chabad girl loves nothing more than to spend an evening with 8 mendys a 10 mushkys and 4 hookas.

Liberals, not necessarily Jewish: Not caring about the environment. Not caring about animals. Not being into art. Being homophobic. All terrible things.

Frat Boys: Being into art. So gay. Environment’s cool, anything resembling pop culture is bad.

Upper East Side Ladies: Most of them have plastic surgery once they hit 40 and are still ugly as sin, so being naturally beautiful is a crime. As is not having been married 3 times, robbing the guy of all his money each time. After all, they deserve SOME peace in their lives. Having a child that didn’t attend an ultra-elite prep school is taboo. Going out Saturday night with their lady friends and drinking martinis or vodka tonics is standard.

Hipsters: When they aren’t smoking up and can coherently think, it’s definitely wrong to not know what real music is. Real music is only something that just about all Americans never heard before. It also must have a vinyl edition somewhere out there. Deodorant is optional.

Hot Chanies: Not going to Miami for pesach is worse than the nail salon being closed when you get there. It’s wrong to be in NY over pesach. Very wrong.

I Shouldn’t Have Read eHow

Posted: January 24, 2011 in Random

I came across an article on eHow titled How to Spot a Traitor. Clearly some paranoid old hermit must’ve written this, because it just isn’t something you or I think about.

Here’s the body of the article:

Closely observe the people around you. Pay attention to anyone acting differently than normal. Watch if anyone ingratiated himself into a new social circle and how he is being received. By paying close attention, catch a traitor’s behavior as it changes drastically.

Ask people you know you can trust if they suspect anyone. Bring it up casually in conversation. Make a mental note of who is suggested by others. Seek out confirmation of your suspicion.

Eavesdrop on conversations. Hide in the bathroom to hear what people say. Make notes of incriminating things you hear and go over them later. Observe who’s forging close ties with one another.

Plant rumors with people you suspect. Make the rumor something distinct that you only tell one person. Rumor repeated? That’s the traitor; it’s the one you told and know can’t be trusted. The person may not ultimately be the traitor, it narrows down who you should watch.

I had to take a second glance to make sure I was reading right. I mean, sure, the first paragraph about watching the people around you makes sense. We all try not to be duped, and it’d be painful if not a bit comedic if you got owned by your best friend or your mom. But there’s the part where it says “Ask people you know you can trust if they suspect anyone”. Is it just me or did I miss something here?

Or how about “Plant rumors with people you suspect.” REALLY!? I should PLANT RUMORS?? Sounds like you should seek a therapist,  buddy.

What about the part where you wait for the bad guys to talk about you – “Hide in the bathroom to hear what people say.”

WHAT THE–

But then again, it seems there are also articles about flicking boogers, how to get a free monkey, and “Business Etiquette in Columbia.”

Funny cuz I’d always thought Business etiquette in South America ended at ensuring you own the bigger gun.

...exactly my point

 

There’s even one  called “How to make Orthodox Judaism a part of your life.”

My advice? Don’t.

Bad idea.

Gitty Grunwald.

Just ask Gitty Grunwald.

And then there’s the one about how to be random. That left me scatching my head. I thought being random was just something you are, or something you just aren’t.

But apparently I’m wrong. Besides, it tells you to wear strange clothing, which in my opinion just makes you a freak, not random, and then it tells you to get up in class and announced you’re going to play ping pong, and “Encourage others to join you to make them feel random too.” How does that fit in to the let-me-pretend-to-be-Lady-Gaga-and-wear-a-dead-cow-today theme? Should others wear dead cows and kermit costumes as well?

chic's got some SERIOUS issues...

...!

sorry wrong image.

 

better now?

Then it signs off with- “Make a quirky piece of apparel your signature.” Wait. So you mean to tell me, if I wear strange stuff every day that makes me random? I’d say it makes you consistently strange, but whatever. I guess I’m just not meant to be reading eHow at work anyway.

This is in response to another blogger who claimed her sister going on a diet would ruin the economy. This is my response.

Dear Pegoleg,

You recently wrote a post explaining how if your sister goes on a diet, she’ll be ruining the economy. I think she’ll be ruining alot more than that. Here’s why:

You see, if your girls like sister doesn’t diet, she’ll remain fat. And then guys like myself, who like to go out and have a good time, will be less likely to do so this year because there won’t be any beautiful women for us. And that would make for a bunch of very grumpy men walking around.

Grumpy men who’d have no choice but to resort to porn. Now I understand those porn stars clearly had some major daddy issues, but if not for a bunch of men sitting and watching those girls getting nailed, girls with daddy issues would’ve been okay doing what girls with messed up daddys had to do for years…which in all likelyhood probably meant being a hooker, but that’s besides the point. At least they’d be fornicating in private without the latest in HD video capturing every moan. But no, we have to make sure that in our enlightened western society of 2010 we make sure that there will always be an audience waiting for that hot oh-so-skinny chic to be nailed in public. As long as the economy will be safe, because your sister sacrificed her looks for, all’s well.

But in truth it really won’t matter either way, because that fat girl’s self esteem will all but dissapear, and then she’ll either be desperate and get with someone fat and bald, or become anorexic and depressed, showing the same symptoms as the girl with daddy issues. And, well you know what will come next…

With much love,

Kissmeimshomer

The Epic Gay Hipster Catfight!

Posted: December 11, 2010 in Random
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APOLOGY IN ADVANCE FOR THE STUPID CAPTIONS IN THE VIDEO…APPARENTLY THE GUY WHO MADE IT HAD ISSUES…

A girl who goes by the name of threehundredsixtyfivedaysofmylife recently commented on a post of mine, which led me to check out her absolutely fascinating blog. She has the most interesting style of writing and is honest and all over the place. Strangely familiar – the all over the place part, that is.

It came up in a comment she made to me that she wasn’t sure what hipsters were (I think she was joking…?) and I was gonna find a website I once came across about hipsters and link her, but instead I came across this video posted here. Apparently gay Latinos are fighting against gay whites, and it’s kinda comical because the fighting style is…interesting.

And don’t be hating on me, I’m not anti-hipster, anti-gay, nor am I suggesting all hipsters are gay.  The video is titled “gay hipster fight”.

Funny how the guy at 1:18 says “y’all hit like my sister!”

Oh, and for the creepy image of the day: