Posts Tagged ‘funny’

There was once a blog. That blogger released too much sensitive info of girls he fucked, so he shut it down. Luckily it was all copied beforehand, so we can all read his writings of genius here at solomonreborn.wordpress.com

This post expresses everything wrong, and by default kinda awesome, about American girls. One of the best posts I have ever read. I included the comments. be sure to read comment #3.

Drive Thru Boyfriends

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Dalrock

Fall 2010 by Solomon II

“Welcome to McFling’s.  My name is Solomon II.  May I take your order?”

“Uh, yes.  I’ll have the three months of meaningless sex from the Boyfriend Lite menu, add extra self respect.  Hold the judgment and consequences please.

“I’m sorry; we’re all out of self respect.  Would you like to add a side of rationalization for only $1 more?”

“Yeah.  That’s fine.  Super size it please.”

“Thank you.  Please pull up to the window for your total.”

There she is driving down the road of life at her own pace.  She’s young, independent, beautiful and has all the time in the world.  When she’s horny, she swings into the closest drive thru and places her order.  She does the same thing when she’s sad, lonely, happy, up, down, in, out, excited, needy, afraid, strong, weak, depressed, moody, joyful, exhilarated, stressed, etc. Any and every reason is valid because she’s being “true to herself”. Every three months on average she swings into McFling’s and orders up the best looking or most exciting thing on the menu (because she’s sooo selective).  There’s also a couple of late night snack runs thrown in there for good measure, but not as many as some other girls, so you have no right to judge her.  She’s young and her metabolism is firing on all cylinders, so now is the time for her to gorge herself with no consequences.

At the age of 27, she starts to notice that her steady diet of junk food relationships isn’t as satisfying as it once was.  Sure the bright lights, flashy signs, fast service and cheap satisfaction made for great fun, but now she’s starving for wholesome affection and beginning to show signs of emotional malnutrition.  There has to be something better out there.  Something more substantive.

All of a sudden she decides to make a change.  No more drive thru boyfriends.  Certainly everyone understands that her junk food relationship binge wasn’t her fault since it’s the bulk of what society offers.  It’s our culture.  These greasy high calorie drive thru boyfriend establishments are on every corner, advertised on every channel, glamorized in the media, and no one really told her how bad they could be for her health.  It’s society’s fault.  It’s the franchise’s fault. All the girls she knows are doing it, so how could she possibly be expected to know any better?

So now she wants steak, and by God she’s convinced that she deserves it from a five star restaurant.

She takes a shower hoping the stench of her decade long habit of frequenting McFling’s won’t be as noticeable.  She may not know how to act properly at the new fancy steakhouse she’s going to try tonight, but it’s ok.  Men always give her a pass on her behavior since she’s beautiful and an easy lay adventurous.

When she’s all done getting ready and is confident that she can look and act like the type of girl who has been eating healthy all along, she heads out for the best steakhouse in town.  Why not the best?  She deserves it, and her friend Michelle ate there last week (and she’s totally not even pretty).

With all the undeserved self confidence in the world and an advanced case of juvenile egocentrism, she pulls into the parking lot of the steakhouse.  She notices there are dozens of people standing in line.  She doesn’t understand.  The stupid bitch at the hostess desk asked her if she had a reservation.  A reservation?!  How rude!  She has a vagina and that’s always been sufficient before, so what gives?  It seems the steakhouse is completely booked for months.

Now she’s pissed off.  How could the upscale steakhouse refuse to seat her?  So what if she showed up right at prime dinner time (27 years old o’clock) and demanded the best seat in the house.  She deserves it.  She’s waited so long for it… well, not really, but in theory anyway.  She always knew the steakhouse was there, she just never took the time to plan ahead for reservations.  It’s not her fault.

As she drives away, she realizes she has another problem.  She’s still hungry.  She pulls in to yet another McFling’s, this time disgusted to be there.  But she’s changed, so she decides to try something different.

“Welcome to McFling’s.  My name is Solomon II.  May I take your order?”

“Uh, yes.  I’ll have the steak please.”

“We don’t serve steak.  Show me your tits.”

“I’m not like that anymore.  Steak please.”

“I can offer you the three months of meaningless sex from the Boyfriend Lite menu, and pretend to hold the judgment and consequences if you’d like.”

“Steak please.”

“Bitch, would you like me to serve you the three months of meaningless sex from the Boyfriend Lite menu, pretend to hold the judgment and consequences, and just *tell you* it’s steak?”

“Steak please.”

“Fine.  Please pull up to the first window.  I’ll have your total and a treat for your hamster.”

This cycle continues until she turns 30 and realizes that she’ll never get in to the steakhouse.  She’s waited much too long to make reservations, so she settles for a Beta male who takes her to Chili’s on 2 for 1 night in his minivan.  Hey, it’s not the steakhouse she deserves, but it’s better than that asshole Solomon II at the drive thru boyfriend joint.  At least Chili’s has real silverware.

That night she stumbles upon a blog with a post entitled “Drive Thru Boyfriends” and gets righteously annoyed.  That’s not her at all.  That was never her intention.  She’s different, special, and unique.  What gives the author the right to assume that he knows her or can determine what she’s been through in her AMAZING life?  He doesn’t know her story.  He doesn’t know her heart.  He can’t judge her actions based on what other girls do simply because she did the same things and ended up in the same situation they did.  He can’t tell her what kind of person she is, or what her fate will be.  She’s different than the rest.  She’s strong, independent and wise beyond her years.

In her rage she hits the road again, confused by what has happened to her and angry that she didn’t get what she deserved out of life.  With her Beta boyfriend wondering where the hell she is, she drives past the steakhouse which is closed for the night.  Blinded by fury and driven by emotion, she decides to make yet another change.  A real and meaningful change this time.  This time she’ll get it right and enjoy what she deserves for being an amazing woman.  Her rationalization hamster helps out with navigation and leads her to a brand new place.  Somewhere she’s never been.  This is it!  This is what she needs.  This time she’s confident she’ll get what she deserves.

And she does.

“Welcome to McFling’s.  My name is Solomon II.  May I take your order?”

“Steak, please…”

Suggested Reading: Commitment as a Form of Female Investment by Dalrock.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

About Solomon II
As iron sharpeneth iron, so one man sharpeneth another. Proverbs 27:17

One blogger likes this post.
Dalrock

16 Responses to Drive Thru Boyfriends

  1.  Penguin says:

    The last couple of posts are great. You’re on fire!

  2.  HappilyMarriedButJustGotLucky says:

    Agree with Penguin. Quite creative and enjoyable!

  3.  Days of Broken Arrows says:

    …and then one day she turned 42. And she realized few people wanted to serve her McBurgers anymore. The steak had never really come her way, but McBurgers always came easy. Now even that was hard to come by. So she went driving into the night until it became morning.

    Sunday morning.

    That’s when she found the mega-church, or the McChurch. She also found McJesus in the McPastor’s McSermons which weren’t really from scripture, but a McReading of the scripture to appeal to the McPeople who filled the McChurch. The Dr. Phil platitudes of the McPreacher allowed her to feel self-righteous and pass judgment on everyone else. Sure, she might have screwed anything that walked, but now she was a McVirgin. Surely, she was a cut above those sinners who didn’t find the McWord, wasn’t she?

    Male attention had ceased, but it came around again when she began posting McPlatitudes on her Facebook page. Things like “If God brings you to it, then God will get you through it.” Now guys were practically high five-ing her online, since that was what they thought they were supposed to do, knowing nothing better in their empty American McLives of football’n’McJesus. And she began responding to people with “God loves you!” Instead of a simple “Bye!” or “Hello!” That got attention. Her breasts were sagging, but her HolyMcSpirit was high. It also made it easier to block out the cries she heard of all the McBabies she never did have (or the ones that wound up washed in pieces in the McDoctor’s drain).

    Like all TRUE stories, this one has a moral.

    Women who use sex in their twenties to get power and fulfillment use religion in their forties when the sex well runs dry. Of course, it’s all McPower — not the real thing, but a low-budget simulation.

  4.  Solomon II says:

    @Days: Beautifully done, and so true. As the son of a Baptist Minister, I can confirm 100%. Church is the last refuge of many a whore. That’s why I laugh when men say they want to go to church to meet a good girl.

    @ Penguin and Happily: Thanks! I really appreciate your feedback.

  5.  finndistan says:

    That was one of the best ways the concept has been written about.

    Btw,

    It is not just wanting to eat steak at a restaurant, it is also wanting the restaurant to pay them for eating the steak; and even pay for the open tabs of the past McFlings.

    And due all the additives (i.e. sodium glutamate, sweeteners, preservatives…) , the taste buds are almost dead, so the steak will never taste like a pumped um McFling with cream on top.

  6.  Solomon II says:

    @finndistan: It’s amazing how this analogy could go on and on forever and still hold true.

  7. Pingback: Commitment as a form of female investment. | Dalrock
  8.  Thag Jones says:

    He can’t judge her actions based on what other girls do simply because she did the same things and ended up in the same situation they did.

    I lol’d. That’s a good one!

  9.  dalrock says:

    “We don’t serve steak. Show me your tits.”

    One of the funniest things I’ve read in a long, long time!

    Thanks for your link back and putting me on your blogroll! I’ve added you to mine as well not so much out of reciprocation, but because I want to be able to read your latest posts easily. I’ve only read your most recent four posts, but I’m hooked.

    One question though, who is Darlock? :)

    [Damn it. Give me a sec.]

  10. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: You Know What the Pattern Is Edition
  11.  Bronckin’ Buckeye says:

    Is this the customer you’re talking about?

    http://40daysandengaged.tumblr.com/

    It’s a must read.

    “Flirting with the laws of attraction. As single (and choosy) girls ——— and —– have decided to put their beliefs in the Law of Attraction to the test to attract the men of their dreams…. We will be wearing engagement rings for 40 days to send signals to the universe that we have found what we are looking for. By doing this we are hoping that in response to those signals we are sending out we will actually receive what we are looking for.
    We will be following some rules through this experiment.
    1. The ring must be worn during every public outting
    2. If a possible “love interest” questions the ring and asks if we are engaged we must answer “Yes, to myself.”
    3. No dating (or similar extra curricular activities) during the 40 day period.
    4. We must go “out” and socialize at least once per weekend
    *Rules are subject to change at our discretion*”

    [S2 Says: Christ, man. Women are fucking delusional. I should quit picking on them and start a foundation or something.]

  12.  Squared says:

    Hey Solomon, just found your blog earlier today. I’ve gone back in your archives and have read about a dozen of your posts already, and I find myself short of superlatives. Absolutely brilliant stuff all around. You definitely have what it takes to become the new king of this part of the blogosphere.

    I’ll be checking this one regularly, keep it up!

  13.  Steve says:

    Funny shit bro.

sometimes, change can be a good thing

Traditions can sometimes be nice. Rules helpful. Both meant to be broken. Some were never meant to be made in the first place. Such as:

1. Poking.

I’m referring to Facebook poking of course. The other type of poking should be avoided at all costs. (Even if it means showering without soap.) I mean, if you’re too shy to message that girl you haven’t spoken to in a while, you think poking her will help? It’s like typing a “period” when a girl hasn’t texted back, so she’ll see you texted her. Then you pass it off as an accident. Lame. C’mon we know you do that.

Bottom line: It’s old, pointless, and should definitely go!

2. “Please listen closely as our menu options have changed.” 

I don’t call you that often. And even if I did, I certainly wouldn’t memorize (more…)

Came across this on a blog. I couldn’t agree more.

A Proposal: Let’s Stop Making ‘Wedding’ One of Life’s Key Check Marks.

by Joy Engel on April 27, 2011

“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you that I’m officially interested in the Royal Wedding.

I tried to keep the cynicism alive, I really did. But it’s hard to be anti-Royal Wedding while also being friends with Chiara and communicating daily with a colleague in London. And once I realized that being interested in the Royal Wedding essentially means day drinking and talking about fancy hats (two of my favorite pastimes), I was all on board.

Like all short-lived obsessions, I’ve thrown myself into this. I watched the Lifetime movie, I read some articles about their history and crowned myself an expert on Wills and Kate. I think they’re nice. I think they actually love each other. I think she has glorious hair. And that’s a lot for me to think about a couple I will never actually meet. Let’s have some more champagne.

My wedding enthusiasm is (more…)

Religious Impersonator Deena Mann

Posted: March 10, 2011 in Random
Tags: , , ,

This girl is probably on the fringes of the Chasidic world…I don’t remember where I first saw her videos but they seem to be growing in popularity…I keep seeing it reposted on Facebook. Don’t have more than links for most of them.

Gettin’ her nails did

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=390944325334

Calling out Bloomberg as Sheniqua

Purim as Sheniqua

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150112727130335

imitating hasidic jews going to Miami…she finally got a youtube channel…80,000 views and counting

A response by someone to Deena’s video. This girl takes the accent of the most Yeshivish Rebbetzins out there…she’s pretty damn accurate, it’s scary.

When Did Woohoo! Become a Word?

Posted: February 28, 2011 in Random
Tags: , , , , ,

Your local WaMu Bank Teller

I remember the day quite vividly. I was walking past a WaMu Bank and noticed a sign announcing what mustv’e been good news. The sign read something like “WOOHOO! Get $200 when signing up for a WaMu account today!”.

Wait.

Did they just say WOOHOO!?

My potential financial institution, the people responsible for safeguarding my finances, saying WOOHOO! like some skinny drunkard with tattered shorts running down the alleyway, cracked beer bottle in his hand, yelling WOOHOO! I knocked that guy in the bar out but good!

Besides, what’s the logic of signing up to get $200? I should sign up with a bunch of adult-children who will surely make paper airplanes out of my money, because they hide behind a colorful sign and a cheap suit they bought at Goodwill?

Not that I have anything against Goodwill.

At all.

I’m sure they do wonderful things for the children of Africa.

Or is that the Red Cross?

Oh, and did I mention, the WaMU sign had a bird on it. A little yellow BIRD. Now HOW is a bird going to convince me to sign away my life to WaMu?

Besides who the hell decided to give a bank a nickname??

My nephew gets a nickname. My dog gets a nickname.

It’s cute.

My BANK does not need a nickname. I do NOT want my bank sounding cute.

I shudder thinking about the marketing team meeting that went into the development of the WOOHOO! I imagine some guy, definitely in a crumpled suit, possibly having not showered that morning after having slept on the couch all night because his wife kicked him out. Which brings me to another point about who gives her the right to do so. It’s probably his house anyway, she should just stay in the kitchen making sammiches all day. But that’s another story.

Back to our meeting. So Mr. Crumples suit, yawning, gets up in front of 10 people, probably all interns, and blurts out the phrase his one year old son was making all night long –  WOO-HOO!

So the young interns, being over eager and burning to succeed in the glamorous world of the WaMu tellers, write down on their note pads “WOOHOO!”

And then Mr. Crumpled Suit farts and promptly falls asleep.

Generations have changed. It’s true. There’s a lot to complain about the way we young folk are, yet at the same time I’m celebrating. Yes we are far more decadent than my granpda’s peers probably were. But in essence we just have have different quirks. Let me illustrate with one quick thought:

When my grandpa was a kid he had a practice of giving a girl a wedding ring and then having children. At my age I much prefer to see if the baby is as awesome as I am, and only then give her a wedding ring, sort of as a thank you gift.

Now who’s the one with the quirks now?

For those of you who have trouble distinguishing between right and wrong, I offer you a visual representation... Any questions?

What defines something as wrong? Technically is there something wrong with banging a goat? It’s sick, disgusting and if I know anyone who did it I’d never talk to them again. But I think we define wrong as something that is out of our societal norms. let me give a few examples:

Oh, and please don’t leave comments telling me I’m making stereoypes etc. I’m not dumb. I’m well aware that most people in each segment probably don’t conform to those stereotypes, but that’s why they’re called stereotypes. Cuz that’s all it is. A stereoype, not reality.

Someone learning at R’ Avrohom Yehoshua: I know a bochur who’s mamesh messed up.  He learns more than a blatt every half year. He zicher doesn’t have right p’shat. He also has a second cousin that goes to YU.

Someone at R’ Tzvi: walking outside without hat and jacket, or coming to shiur after the door is locked…

Mir: Um…

BJJ girl: Marrying a boy from the other Brisk.

Hadar: Not listening to every word Mrs. Orenstein says.

All the Yeshivas with acronyms: AJ, TJ, OJ etc. : Listening to the Rabbis. A definite no-no.

YU: Disparaging The Rav, or referring to Rav Chaim when saying The Rav.

Upper West Side guy before 23: Having sex. So young to give up on finding a true mate.

Upper West Side guy after 23: Taking off your Yarmulka before walking into a bar. What’s there to be ashamed of. Leaving with a girl just shows your straight, that’s cool.

Chabad Dudes: You can do what you like, sleep with how ever many people you like, go to South America on a road trip and not keep Shabbos, but for God’s sake, don’t forget The Rebbe is big stuff, MaMesh.

Chabad Girls: Not liking hooka. A true chabad girl loves nothing more than to spend an evening with 8 mendys a 10 mushkys and 4 hookas.

Liberals, not necessarily Jewish: Not caring about the environment. Not caring about animals. Not being into art. Being homophobic. All terrible things.

Frat Boys: Being into art. So gay. Environment’s cool, anything resembling pop culture is bad.

Upper East Side Ladies: Most of them have plastic surgery once they hit 40 and are still ugly as sin, so being naturally beautiful is a crime. As is not having been married 3 times, robbing the guy of all his money each time. After all, they deserve SOME peace in their lives. Having a child that didn’t attend an ultra-elite prep school is taboo. Going out Saturday night with their lady friends and drinking martinis or vodka tonics is standard.

Hipsters: When they aren’t smoking up and can coherently think, it’s definitely wrong to not know what real music is. Real music is only something that just about all Americans never heard before. It also must have a vinyl edition somewhere out there. Deodorant is optional.

Hot Chanies: Not going to Miami for pesach is worse than the nail salon being closed when you get there. It’s wrong to be in NY over pesach. Very wrong.

My friend sent this video to me. It’s a new release by The Lonely Island from SNL with Akon called I Just had Sex. It kind of is a sure sign that we have come full circle from the sexual supression of the 50’s…on the other hand is this just too far?  It adds to the Lonely Island Collection Jizz in My pants and I’m on a Boat…It almost reminds me of this video by Spose called I’m Awesome. Either way here it is..lemme know what you think.

This is in response to another blogger who claimed her sister going on a diet would ruin the economy. This is my response.

Dear Pegoleg,

You recently wrote a post explaining how if your sister goes on a diet, she’ll be ruining the economy. I think she’ll be ruining alot more than that. Here’s why:

You see, if your girls like sister doesn’t diet, she’ll remain fat. And then guys like myself, who like to go out and have a good time, will be less likely to do so this year because there won’t be any beautiful women for us. And that would make for a bunch of very grumpy men walking around.

Grumpy men who’d have no choice but to resort to porn. Now I understand those porn stars clearly had some major daddy issues, but if not for a bunch of men sitting and watching those girls getting nailed, girls with daddy issues would’ve been okay doing what girls with messed up daddys had to do for years…which in all likelyhood probably meant being a hooker, but that’s besides the point. At least they’d be fornicating in private without the latest in HD video capturing every moan. But no, we have to make sure that in our enlightened western society of 2010 we make sure that there will always be an audience waiting for that hot oh-so-skinny chic to be nailed in public. As long as the economy will be safe, because your sister sacrificed her looks for, all’s well.

But in truth it really won’t matter either way, because that fat girl’s self esteem will all but dissapear, and then she’ll either be desperate and get with someone fat and bald, or become anorexic and depressed, showing the same symptoms as the girl with daddy issues. And, well you know what will come next…

With much love,

Kissmeimshomer

The Epic Gay Hipster Catfight!

Posted: December 11, 2010 in Random
Tags: , ,

APOLOGY IN ADVANCE FOR THE STUPID CAPTIONS IN THE VIDEO…APPARENTLY THE GUY WHO MADE IT HAD ISSUES…

A girl who goes by the name of threehundredsixtyfivedaysofmylife recently commented on a post of mine, which led me to check out her absolutely fascinating blog. She has the most interesting style of writing and is honest and all over the place. Strangely familiar – the all over the place part, that is.

It came up in a comment she made to me that she wasn’t sure what hipsters were (I think she was joking…?) and I was gonna find a website I once came across about hipsters and link her, but instead I came across this video posted here. Apparently gay Latinos are fighting against gay whites, and it’s kinda comical because the fighting style is…interesting.

And don’t be hating on me, I’m not anti-hipster, anti-gay, nor am I suggesting all hipsters are gay.  The video is titled “gay hipster fight”.

Funny how the guy at 1:18 says “y’all hit like my sister!”

Oh, and for the creepy image of the day: