Posts Tagged ‘porn’

This is in response to another blogger who claimed her sister going on a diet would ruin the economy. This is my response.

Dear Pegoleg,

You recently wrote a post explaining how if your sister goes on a diet, she’ll be ruining the economy. I think she’ll be ruining alot more than that. Here’s why:

You see, if your girls like sister doesn’t diet, she’ll remain fat. And then guys like myself, who like to go out and have a good time, will be less likely to do so this year because there won’t be any beautiful women for us. And that would make for a bunch of very grumpy men walking around.

Grumpy men who’d have no choice but to resort to porn. Now I understand those porn stars clearly had some major daddy issues, but if not for a bunch of men sitting and watching those girls getting nailed, girls with daddy issues would’ve been okay doing what girls with messed up daddys had to do for years…which in all likelyhood probably meant being a hooker, but that’s besides the point. At least they’d be fornicating in private without the latest in HD video capturing every moan. But no, we have to make sure that in our enlightened western society of 2010 we make sure that there will always be an audience waiting for that hot oh-so-skinny chic to be nailed in public. As long as the economy will be safe, because your sister sacrificed her looks for, all’s well.

But in truth it really won’t matter either way, because that fat girl’s self esteem will all but dissapear, and then she’ll either be desperate and get with someone fat and bald, or become anorexic and depressed, showing the same symptoms as the girl with daddy issues. And, well you know what will come next…

With much love,

Kissmeimshomer

Introducing the Foreskins!

Posted: October 25, 2010 in Religion
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I don't wanna know where their other hands are...

My friend started a new band called “The Foreskins” and figured I’d give you guys a sneak peak to the song titles of his new album “Pedophile in The Shteeble”. The titles came (!) to him when in a flash of sheer genius he blurted these out. As they say, there isn’t a genius without a “touch” of madness…pun intended. :p

1. Stroke the Beard

2. Chap the Rebbe’s Tish (Under the Rebbe’s Tish?)

3. Mikva Tance

4. Under the Bekeshe

5. Shake My Lulav

6.Tzvai Kreplach

7. Touched By A Rabbi

8. Matzah Ball Sandwich

9. Foreskin Gemach

10. Gay Shlufen

11. Placenta Inda Cholent

12. Blow My Shofer

Fios Gartels and Porn Stars

Posted: October 20, 2010 in Religion
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I had no other image to post and this one seemed to say it all. Whatever "it" is.

Just wanna blurt out two small tidbits from the depths of my brain.

I had to step in for a Minyan today at my company…can’t exactly refuse that if they insist- they’re paying me after all. This dude there was wearing one of those wire cables you use for a laptop, as a Gartel!

I say the dude should’ve used Fios cable; he’d have had a faster connection. But seriously, WTF.

Next: My friend found all his old Yeshiva stuff, notes, books, etc. and mentioned to me jokingly (or maybe he was serious…) he wants to burn that shit. Said he was traumatized by the memories. He had some pretty shitty experiences so I don’t blame him, though I can’t say I’d actually BURN anything of my own. That’s a pretty intense action, but I’ll be more than happy to supply the lighter fluid.

Bye.

So much for the age gap being the source of “The Shidduch Crisis.” He’s done more for the crisis than anyone. It’s called having multiple girlfriends. This way no one gets left out. Just make sure both girls know about the other one. Otherwise it can get messy.

There a website that’s kind of an online dating service for yeshivish people, but they’ve got some crazy stuff in their about page.

Here’s what I would love to write to them:

Hey, it’s an awesome service you guys are providing. I mean, I get it. Ad sense is powerful. But you’re feeding into a community that’s very, very sick. “We do not post open pictures or inappropriate articles; there is no chat or direct emailing between singles; and we are very careful about maintaining the privacy and dignity of every single on our database.”

Damn! And you guys complain about a shidduch crisis. No shit! Guys, get with the program, welcome to 2010. And no, God doesn’t give a shit if a guy so much as LOOKS  at a girl. And if you think he does….well consider yourself sick too.

Sincerely,

Former member of the cult called Yeshivish Judaism.

Tho these guys are seriously fucked up.

“There’s no internet here…and this way its Kosher, al pi taharas hkodesh (according to the pure and holy path) ….(in response to why skype won’t work) you’re going to be in front of your computer, you can go onsite, and look at any www site(GASP!)

that’s all you can do there’s no Chashah (worry) of anything…”

Jesus. Christ. Imagine that. Someone might actually log onto facebook or watch some porn…or the worst of all…YouTube!

So these guys have created video conferencing, or seem to think they have, in order to avoid having young prospective mates drive out unnecessarily for miles to meet up. This way they can meet online, and decide if they want to meet in person. Talk about awkward. It kind of tops off what was already an awkward mating system. It sure isn’t dating.

After seeing this video, I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit. Or maybe all 3. It’s both tragic and funny (as in laugh-at, not laugh-with). Does anyone else find this even remotely the work of sane people?

…and of course the opening was covered by the local blog/paper/news service (?) .