Posts Tagged ‘rebellious’

When I first started this blog, I simply was looking for a way to express myself, perhaps find a few readers or cause a laugh now and again. As time went on it became important to me to convey my feelings as I underwent a transformation from a religious teen, to a rationally thinking young adult. It was at that point, perhaps after I wrote the post Get With the Program in the summer of 2010, that I began to feel a need to explain my viewpoint. At that point I’d gone from someone confused about what means something to them, to someone who knows what doesn’t and what does. In any argument, the idea is always to convince others of your viewpoint, not to prove them wrong.

We don’t care about his viewpoint, only that he care about ours. I noticed at some point that whenever I spoke to someone religious about religion, unlike that of a typical argument, I’d walk away frustrated. I felt that I was talking to someone, who instead of believing he was right but respecting that I believed in my argument as strongly as he believed in his, I instead felt belittled for my beliefs. Many blog posts after followed, in which I spoke about the normal life, and tried to convey in a broad sense that the life I chose to live was normal, very much fulfilling and in no means foolish.

“And here I begin to feel irrationally angry with her. I believe YU is a vital organ of the Orthodox Jewish community and to publish such a guilt-ridden, neurotic article in one of their publications perpetuates a toxic culture for the whole of it. It’s irresponsible. When she writes about her shame and YU students respond in kind, I see it becoming that much harder for me, and others who have chosen a path other than that of Orthodox Judaism, to be taken seriously in our choices, to be thought of as mature adults making decisions based on well-thought out ideological differences, and thus, it makes it harder for us to maintain healthy relationships with our families and friends, because they think we’re on some kind of Rumspringa-style bender and need to be brought back into the fold.

So I want to make this clear to you, brothers and sisters (in the college-student-camaraderie sense, at the very least) – this is not what it means to leave Orthodox Judaism. This is what happens when we perpetually shut down discussions about alternative paths and alternative lifestyles. We are forced to communicate in these tragic half-truths in anonymous posts. I have lost friends because of my choices and I don’t believe that had to happen. It leaves a terrible taste in my mouth about the Orthodox world that I do not want to be there. Though I experienced some closed mindedness in my Orthodox upbringing, I have no illusions that those kinds of people are exclusive to Orthodox Jewry. I do believe they are not the majority there. I believe that the people who showed me friendship, love, and acceptance all my life did so not because I was a Jew, but because they were good people, good friends, and so was I.”

This article was a response to the original article published in The Beacon, YU’s newpaper, which made waves in the Jewish community. I felt that noone quite expressed so succinctly the ideas and feelings I had in regards to the misunderstanding between myself and many religious people.

I showed someone, a religious relative of mine from LA, and the response was something between a murmur of acknowledgement that the above excerpt isn’t foolish, I disagree with what you’ve showed me. When confronted with something so blatantly saying what they feel, and a perfect response to how we feel as mature adults, what else is there to say? And so I thank the writer of that article, whoever she may be, for enlightening others, and helping clarify myself.

There was once a blog. That blogger released too much sensitive info of girls he fucked, so he shut it down. Luckily it was all copied beforehand, so we can all read his writings of genius here at solomonreborn.wordpress.com

This post expresses everything wrong, and by default kinda awesome, about American girls. One of the best posts I have ever read. I included the comments. be sure to read comment #3.

Drive Thru Boyfriends

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Dalrock

Fall 2010 by Solomon II

“Welcome to McFling’s.  My name is Solomon II.  May I take your order?”

“Uh, yes.  I’ll have the three months of meaningless sex from the Boyfriend Lite menu, add extra self respect.  Hold the judgment and consequences please.

“I’m sorry; we’re all out of self respect.  Would you like to add a side of rationalization for only $1 more?”

“Yeah.  That’s fine.  Super size it please.”

“Thank you.  Please pull up to the window for your total.”

There she is driving down the road of life at her own pace.  She’s young, independent, beautiful and has all the time in the world.  When she’s horny, she swings into the closest drive thru and places her order.  She does the same thing when she’s sad, lonely, happy, up, down, in, out, excited, needy, afraid, strong, weak, depressed, moody, joyful, exhilarated, stressed, etc. Any and every reason is valid because she’s being “true to herself”. Every three months on average she swings into McFling’s and orders up the best looking or most exciting thing on the menu (because she’s sooo selective).  There’s also a couple of late night snack runs thrown in there for good measure, but not as many as some other girls, so you have no right to judge her.  She’s young and her metabolism is firing on all cylinders, so now is the time for her to gorge herself with no consequences.

At the age of 27, she starts to notice that her steady diet of junk food relationships isn’t as satisfying as it once was.  Sure the bright lights, flashy signs, fast service and cheap satisfaction made for great fun, but now she’s starving for wholesome affection and beginning to show signs of emotional malnutrition.  There has to be something better out there.  Something more substantive.

All of a sudden she decides to make a change.  No more drive thru boyfriends.  Certainly everyone understands that her junk food relationship binge wasn’t her fault since it’s the bulk of what society offers.  It’s our culture.  These greasy high calorie drive thru boyfriend establishments are on every corner, advertised on every channel, glamorized in the media, and no one really told her how bad they could be for her health.  It’s society’s fault.  It’s the franchise’s fault. All the girls she knows are doing it, so how could she possibly be expected to know any better?

So now she wants steak, and by God she’s convinced that she deserves it from a five star restaurant.

She takes a shower hoping the stench of her decade long habit of frequenting McFling’s won’t be as noticeable.  She may not know how to act properly at the new fancy steakhouse she’s going to try tonight, but it’s ok.  Men always give her a pass on her behavior since she’s beautiful and an easy lay adventurous.

When she’s all done getting ready and is confident that she can look and act like the type of girl who has been eating healthy all along, she heads out for the best steakhouse in town.  Why not the best?  She deserves it, and her friend Michelle ate there last week (and she’s totally not even pretty).

With all the undeserved self confidence in the world and an advanced case of juvenile egocentrism, she pulls into the parking lot of the steakhouse.  She notices there are dozens of people standing in line.  She doesn’t understand.  The stupid bitch at the hostess desk asked her if she had a reservation.  A reservation?!  How rude!  She has a vagina and that’s always been sufficient before, so what gives?  It seems the steakhouse is completely booked for months.

Now she’s pissed off.  How could the upscale steakhouse refuse to seat her?  So what if she showed up right at prime dinner time (27 years old o’clock) and demanded the best seat in the house.  She deserves it.  She’s waited so long for it… well, not really, but in theory anyway.  She always knew the steakhouse was there, she just never took the time to plan ahead for reservations.  It’s not her fault.

As she drives away, she realizes she has another problem.  She’s still hungry.  She pulls in to yet another McFling’s, this time disgusted to be there.  But she’s changed, so she decides to try something different.

“Welcome to McFling’s.  My name is Solomon II.  May I take your order?”

“Uh, yes.  I’ll have the steak please.”

“We don’t serve steak.  Show me your tits.”

“I’m not like that anymore.  Steak please.”

“I can offer you the three months of meaningless sex from the Boyfriend Lite menu, and pretend to hold the judgment and consequences if you’d like.”

“Steak please.”

“Bitch, would you like me to serve you the three months of meaningless sex from the Boyfriend Lite menu, pretend to hold the judgment and consequences, and just *tell you* it’s steak?”

“Steak please.”

“Fine.  Please pull up to the first window.  I’ll have your total and a treat for your hamster.”

This cycle continues until she turns 30 and realizes that she’ll never get in to the steakhouse.  She’s waited much too long to make reservations, so she settles for a Beta male who takes her to Chili’s on 2 for 1 night in his minivan.  Hey, it’s not the steakhouse she deserves, but it’s better than that asshole Solomon II at the drive thru boyfriend joint.  At least Chili’s has real silverware.

That night she stumbles upon a blog with a post entitled “Drive Thru Boyfriends” and gets righteously annoyed.  That’s not her at all.  That was never her intention.  She’s different, special, and unique.  What gives the author the right to assume that he knows her or can determine what she’s been through in her AMAZING life?  He doesn’t know her story.  He doesn’t know her heart.  He can’t judge her actions based on what other girls do simply because she did the same things and ended up in the same situation they did.  He can’t tell her what kind of person she is, or what her fate will be.  She’s different than the rest.  She’s strong, independent and wise beyond her years.

In her rage she hits the road again, confused by what has happened to her and angry that she didn’t get what she deserved out of life.  With her Beta boyfriend wondering where the hell she is, she drives past the steakhouse which is closed for the night.  Blinded by fury and driven by emotion, she decides to make yet another change.  A real and meaningful change this time.  This time she’ll get it right and enjoy what she deserves for being an amazing woman.  Her rationalization hamster helps out with navigation and leads her to a brand new place.  Somewhere she’s never been.  This is it!  This is what she needs.  This time she’s confident she’ll get what she deserves.

And she does.

“Welcome to McFling’s.  My name is Solomon II.  May I take your order?”

“Steak, please…”

Suggested Reading: Commitment as a Form of Female Investment by Dalrock.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

About Solomon II
As iron sharpeneth iron, so one man sharpeneth another. Proverbs 27:17

One blogger likes this post.
Dalrock

16 Responses to Drive Thru Boyfriends

  1.  Penguin says:

    The last couple of posts are great. You’re on fire!

  2.  HappilyMarriedButJustGotLucky says:

    Agree with Penguin. Quite creative and enjoyable!

  3.  Days of Broken Arrows says:

    …and then one day she turned 42. And she realized few people wanted to serve her McBurgers anymore. The steak had never really come her way, but McBurgers always came easy. Now even that was hard to come by. So she went driving into the night until it became morning.

    Sunday morning.

    That’s when she found the mega-church, or the McChurch. She also found McJesus in the McPastor’s McSermons which weren’t really from scripture, but a McReading of the scripture to appeal to the McPeople who filled the McChurch. The Dr. Phil platitudes of the McPreacher allowed her to feel self-righteous and pass judgment on everyone else. Sure, she might have screwed anything that walked, but now she was a McVirgin. Surely, she was a cut above those sinners who didn’t find the McWord, wasn’t she?

    Male attention had ceased, but it came around again when she began posting McPlatitudes on her Facebook page. Things like “If God brings you to it, then God will get you through it.” Now guys were practically high five-ing her online, since that was what they thought they were supposed to do, knowing nothing better in their empty American McLives of football’n’McJesus. And she began responding to people with “God loves you!” Instead of a simple “Bye!” or “Hello!” That got attention. Her breasts were sagging, but her HolyMcSpirit was high. It also made it easier to block out the cries she heard of all the McBabies she never did have (or the ones that wound up washed in pieces in the McDoctor’s drain).

    Like all TRUE stories, this one has a moral.

    Women who use sex in their twenties to get power and fulfillment use religion in their forties when the sex well runs dry. Of course, it’s all McPower — not the real thing, but a low-budget simulation.

  4.  Solomon II says:

    @Days: Beautifully done, and so true. As the son of a Baptist Minister, I can confirm 100%. Church is the last refuge of many a whore. That’s why I laugh when men say they want to go to church to meet a good girl.

    @ Penguin and Happily: Thanks! I really appreciate your feedback.

  5.  finndistan says:

    That was one of the best ways the concept has been written about.

    Btw,

    It is not just wanting to eat steak at a restaurant, it is also wanting the restaurant to pay them for eating the steak; and even pay for the open tabs of the past McFlings.

    And due all the additives (i.e. sodium glutamate, sweeteners, preservatives…) , the taste buds are almost dead, so the steak will never taste like a pumped um McFling with cream on top.

  6.  Solomon II says:

    @finndistan: It’s amazing how this analogy could go on and on forever and still hold true.

  7. Pingback: Commitment as a form of female investment. | Dalrock
  8.  Thag Jones says:

    He can’t judge her actions based on what other girls do simply because she did the same things and ended up in the same situation they did.

    I lol’d. That’s a good one!

  9.  dalrock says:

    “We don’t serve steak. Show me your tits.”

    One of the funniest things I’ve read in a long, long time!

    Thanks for your link back and putting me on your blogroll! I’ve added you to mine as well not so much out of reciprocation, but because I want to be able to read your latest posts easily. I’ve only read your most recent four posts, but I’m hooked.

    One question though, who is Darlock? :)

    [Damn it. Give me a sec.]

  10. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: You Know What the Pattern Is Edition
  11.  Bronckin’ Buckeye says:

    Is this the customer you’re talking about?

    http://40daysandengaged.tumblr.com/

    It’s a must read.

    “Flirting with the laws of attraction. As single (and choosy) girls ——— and —– have decided to put their beliefs in the Law of Attraction to the test to attract the men of their dreams…. We will be wearing engagement rings for 40 days to send signals to the universe that we have found what we are looking for. By doing this we are hoping that in response to those signals we are sending out we will actually receive what we are looking for.
    We will be following some rules through this experiment.
    1. The ring must be worn during every public outting
    2. If a possible “love interest” questions the ring and asks if we are engaged we must answer “Yes, to myself.”
    3. No dating (or similar extra curricular activities) during the 40 day period.
    4. We must go “out” and socialize at least once per weekend
    *Rules are subject to change at our discretion*”

    [S2 Says: Christ, man. Women are fucking delusional. I should quit picking on them and start a foundation or something.]

  12.  Squared says:

    Hey Solomon, just found your blog earlier today. I’ve gone back in your archives and have read about a dozen of your posts already, and I find myself short of superlatives. Absolutely brilliant stuff all around. You definitely have what it takes to become the new king of this part of the blogosphere.

    I’ll be checking this one regularly, keep it up!

  13.  Steve says:

    Funny shit bro.

I’ve pasted an article from the NY times.

I guess Muslims, like Jews refuse to believe that one who leaves religion is a rational person. I’ve put that which I thought important or similar to the Jewish OTD, in blue.

QALQILYA, West Bank — It is hard to imagine that a dingy Internet cafe buzzing with flies in this provincial Palestinian town could have spawned a blogger who has angered the Muslim cyberworld by promoting atheism, composing spoofs of Koranic verses, skewering the lifestyle of the Prophet Muhammad and chatting online using the sarcastic Web name God Almighty.

But many people in Qalqilya seem convinced that this Facebook apostate is none other than a secretive young man who spent seven hours a day in the corner booth of a back-street hole-in-the-wall here. Until recently the man, Waleed Hasayin, in his mid-20s, led a relatively anonymous existence as an unemployed graduate in computer science who helped out a few hours a day at his father’s one-chair barber shop. Several acquaintances described him as an “ordinary guy” who prayed at the mosque on Fridays.

But since the end of October Mr. Hasayin has been detained at the local Palestinian Authority intelligence headquarters, suspected of being the blasphemous blogger who goes by the name Waleed al-Husseini. The case has drawn attention to thorny issues like freedom of expression in the Palestinian Authority, for which insulting religion is considered illegal, and the cultural collision between a conservative society and the Internet.

While Mr. Hasayin has won some admiration and support abroad — a Facebook group has formed in solidarity, along with several online petitions — others on Facebook are calling for his execution.

In his hometown, the reaction seems to be one of uniform fury. Many here say that if he does not repent, he should spend the rest of his life in jail.

“Everyone is a Muslim here, so everyone is against what he did,” said Alaa Jarar, 20, who described himself as not particularly pious. “People are mad at him and will not respect the Palestinian Authority if he is released. Maybe he is a Mossad agent working for Israel.”

Aside from his Facebook pages, which have now been deleted, Mr. Husseini, the online persona, also posted essays in Arabic on a blog called Noor al-Aqel (Enlightenment of Reason) and in English translation on Proud Atheist, identifying himself as “an atheist from Jerusalem — Palestine.”

The essays offer some relatively sophisticated arguments in a blunt and racy style. In one, titled “Why I left Islam,” Mr. Husseini wrote that Muslims “believe anyone who leaves Islam is an agent or a spy for a Western State, namely the Jewish State.”

He added, “They actually don’t get that people are free to think and believe in whatever suits them.”

He went on to describe the Islamic God as “a primitive, Bedouin and anthropomorphic God,” and Muhammad as “a sex maniac” who bent his own rules “to appease his voracious desire.”

It all seems a far cry from Qalqilya, a conservative low-rise town of more than 40,000 people where horse-drawn wagons plied the streets this week and the market was bustling ahead of the Muslim holiday marking the end of the annual pilgrimage in Mecca, Saudi Arabia.

The arrest of Mr. Hasayin has caused a sensation since it was first reported by the independent Palestinian news agency Maan. But there are also some who question whether he could have written all this material alone.

Mr. Hasayin’s father, Khaled, was reluctant to talk. Clearly upset and ashamed, he said that his son was in treatment and had been “bewitched” by a Tunisian woman he had met via Facebook.

Before shooing reporters out of his barber shop, where a framed Koranic verse hung on the wall above tubs of hair gel, he said that his son’s literary Arabic was not at a level where he could compose fake Koranic verses.

One relative of Mr. Hasayin said, “It is true he studied computers, but he is not a philosopher.”

At the local intelligence headquarters, officials seemed to be treading carefully. Speaking on the condition of anonymity because of the case’s potentially explosive nature — Salman Rushdie’s “Satanic Verses” led to riots and death threats in the 1980s, as did cartoons of Muhammad in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten in 2005 — the officials said they could not release any details since Mr. Hasayin was still under interrogation. They said they had to act fairly and with sensitivity in case the suspicions proved false or exaggerated.

They said Mr. Hasayin had not been allowed any visitors and told them that he did not need a lawyer. Mr. Hasayin, they added, was being detained partly for his own protection.

Palestinian human rights groups in the West Bank have so far remained silent about Mr. Hasayin’s arrest. But Majed Arouri, a human rights expert in Ramallah, said he believed that the way in which Mr. Hasayin had been detained and his correspondence recorded “contradicts human rights principles and existing Palestinian laws” regarding individual privacy.

If Mr. Hasayin is to be tried, Mr. Arouri said, it would be according to a 1960 Jordanian law against defaming religion, still valid in the West Bank.

Some bloggers are already comparing Mr. Hasayin, or Mr. Husseini, to Kareem Amer, an Egyptian blogger who was sentenced in 2007 to four years’ imprisonment for insulting Islam and the Egyptian president.

At the Internet cafe that Mr. Hasayin frequented, youths played online billiards and looked at pictures of girls on a recent afternoon. The owner, Ahmed Abu Asab, said that six weeks ago he discovered that Mr. Hasayin was “not a regular client.”

Mr. Abu Asab had grown suspicious because Mr. Hasayin would not let anybody come close and see what he was working on. Mr. Abu Asab said: “At first I thought he was looking at pornographic sites and chatting with girls. That would be normal and none of my business.”

But Mr. Abu Asab said he used software that allowed him to check what the client was up to, and among other things, he came across the Facebook page on which Mr. Hasayin appeared to be speaking in the name of God. Mr. Abu Asab said that he and three friends knew what was going on and that “maybe somebody” informed the authorities.

Mr. Abu Asab kept copies of the pages, and Palestinian Authority officials came and downloaded the material. Next, they came for Mr. Hasayin, who asked for a moment to close what was on his screen.

Fios Gartels and Porn Stars

Posted: October 20, 2010 in Religion
Tags: , , ,

I had no other image to post and this one seemed to say it all. Whatever "it" is.

Just wanna blurt out two small tidbits from the depths of my brain.

I had to step in for a Minyan today at my company…can’t exactly refuse that if they insist- they’re paying me after all. This dude there was wearing one of those wire cables you use for a laptop, as a Gartel!

I say the dude should’ve used Fios cable; he’d have had a faster connection. But seriously, WTF.

Next: My friend found all his old Yeshiva stuff, notes, books, etc. and mentioned to me jokingly (or maybe he was serious…) he wants to burn that shit. Said he was traumatized by the memories. He had some pretty shitty experiences so I don’t blame him, though I can’t say I’d actually BURN anything of my own. That’s a pretty intense action, but I’ll be more than happy to supply the lighter fluid.

Bye.

Reposted from In My Humble Jewish Opinion, a dead or sleeping blog.

Charedim try to “dance at all parties” by making sex completely taboo, yet fearing it looms around every corner.

This past week’s Chinuch Roundtable in the Yated made me kind of upset.
The question came from a parent who has two teenaged daughters and an 8-year-old son. They live near a frum drug rehab center. The residents there are in their 20s, have gone off the derech, many come from rabbinical households or yichus, and are “hungry for a home. “

She asks whether she should worry about the influence that these kids will have on her children.
“I would like to know your feelings regarding exposing children to these types of boys and their sometimes off-color comments.” In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?

In my opinion, she answered her own question when she ended her letter with the following, in parenthesis for some odd reason, “In the last few years, some of these boys have become Shomer Shabbos. One went to Eretz Yisrael and one even married a frum girl.”

The rabbis on the panel were faced with a tough question. Many of them wrote that they asked their own rabbonim to get their thoughts on the matter.

What surprised me was the number of rabbis who chose to focus on the males in their 20’s in the presence of teenaged girls. It’s not about the drugs. It’s not about the off-color comments. It’s not about the 8-year-old getting funny ideas in his head. No. It’s about the chance that one of these guys would hit on the teenagers.

Notice that the writer didn’t mention anything of that nature happening over the past few years. I think these guys know that if they were to do anything inappropriate, they wouldn’t be allowed back there. Thus, had they attempted to hit on the daughters, the writer would no longer have this question.

Clearly, these young men value these meals, and are grateful to be invited to a warm, welcoming frum home, and they are willing do what it takes to maintain a good rapport with this family.

I have a lot of respect for this family for giving these guys something that they perhaps lacked throughout their teen years. A warm, welcoming home. We don’t know for sure, but I’d venture to say that this family had a share in the other young men’s successes.

The rabbis go so far as to say even if these guys were bachurim in a yeshiva, they don’t belong in a home with teenaged daughters.

This attitude only allows me to conclude one thing. These rabbonim seem to think that every man is a horny animal and every woman is a sex object.

I have a brother 3 1/2 years my senior. Does that mean he should never have any friends over? Do these rabbis think that we’ll be playing footsie under the table since he’s a guy and I’m a girl?! Is every guy that horny?

A healthy ta’avas nashim is necessary for the functioning of any male in society.
In other words, yes, men want to have sex. That is how Hashem created them.

Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that every guy is a sack of raging hormones, and every girl is a sex object. There is more to both sexes than, well, sex.

One rav wrote, “Even if these bochurim were the best bochurim in Lakewood, they should never be invited to a home that has older daughters.” (If “older” is 19+ and they are seeking a learning guy — well, G-d forbid a shidduch come out of this and prevent the two of them from experiencing the sometimes painful shidduch system! That would be just tragic, wouldn’t it — Sorry, I digressed. Couldn’t help it.)

Clearly, the other very important issue at hand, which I believe is what the letter-writer was really asking, is whether these guys who “fell into the wrong crowd” and throw in an off-color comment once in a while, put the children at risk. That is for another day, perhaps.

My thoughts:

She’s a little bit all over the place but what I want to point out are the issue of frum people- not all of them- focusing on things for the stigma associated with it rather than the actual problem.

The other thing is about the shidduch system- why indeed are they so afraid of young people meeting in a healthy environment?

As for guys being a raging sack of hormones- we definitely are, but that doesn’t mean every girl is a sex object. That’s almost as much up to the way the girl puts out, as it is up to the way the guy treats a girl.

The last point is more a comment on the way the post, or the question in the newspaper was written. And I quote from the blog’s author “In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?”  It makes people with issues into cases. Now, perhaps being on drugs warrants being termed a “case” but something tells me their being called a case arose from their not being religious, not the fact that they may have been crackheads.

Now I think I’m all over the place too. Oh well.

"Hem Rotzim V'anu Ro'im". Too funny not to put in here even though it's completely irrelevant.

Here’s an interesting email I received from a 12th grade Bais Yaakov girl. Though I think she would refer to herself as a 12th grade girl in Bais Yaakov. I’ll include my response at the bottom. Thought she had an interesting point.

“Hiya,
I’m really not the type of girl that comments on blogs. I barely even read them. I’m way too non-confrontational. Okay, thats a lie. But I dislike unnecessary controversy.
I’m making an exception here because I had something important I wanted to say.
I understand where and what you may be coming from. Of course I do.
And I see the satire in all that you write.
I’m sure if we were hanging out I’d be laughing hysterically.
But sometimes I feel like bloggers in general, and specifically frum or frum-esque bloggers, dont seem to realize the stark dichotomy between what THEY may be writing and what is in reality being read by their readers.
You may or may not be a bitter, angry, sexually-repressed Yeshivish rape victim.
But that is sure what you sound like.
Of course you are going to get offended at comments like these, because maybe you feel a little misunderstood.
I get that you’re funny, and I also get why people may be offended.
Sometimes I feel like there are bloggers posting exaggerated ”frum-world dirty laundry” under the guise of satire and I only wish that you all would learn the subtlety to enhance the tone of your messages before they are made public.
That being said, I did recognize and enjoy some aspects of this article, and I do wish you all the best.”

My response:

“Interesting thought and probably the most intelligent comment I’ve gotten yet. And yea I’m aware what I mean doesn’t always come out right. The blog is more of an outlet, a creative platform in some sort of interesting way. So it’s more for me than for readers .

Lemme give u an example. This is something I wrote in a public place. I’m sure it will be perceived as either cheesy or stuck up, but truth is it was a way for me to release a tremendous feeling I had pent up of excitement for the future of my dreams. Writing doesn’t always do the same thing for the write as it does the reader.
“lemme get out there, get the ball rolling and I swear I’m gonna shatter barriers, smash resistance and skeptics, simply redefine and reshape brilliance…in short, all hell will break loose in a very glorious way.”

So…you have a great point and it actually would be a great post. With your permission, and of course anonymously if you’d like, I want to reprint the email in my next post. Maybe I can open the pandoras box of people who feel as you do…”

She added:

“But the fact is. Religious or not, you have some responsibility, insofar as not debasing the reputation of religious people…and in the process either 1)turning off people who have just gotten on 2)providing a forum for those who seek, purposefully, to hurt the frum community.
Look, I totally get the need to express deal…I’m in a BAIS YAAKOV.
I just think there should be ways to do that with minimal damage.”

So here it is. What do YOU think? Should bloggers say what’s on their mind, or be more sensitive?

While I’m on the topic of the evils of drinking I figured I’d make a list of different scenarios in which different people have a drink…or two…or ten.

1. Yeshiva Guy Headline Whore:

Age: 10-19

Favorite Activity: smoking and talking about the time Yanky’s older brother beat up a goy. Oh, and he also likes to brag about how long it takes his Yeshiva to get through an amud gemara.

Drink of Choice: alcohol. Doesn’t matter what type, he barely knows a beer from a kettel one with 3 limes.

Time of Drinking: Purim and by his brother Yerucham’s siyum. He finished gantz seder nashim! (can’t blame him- must’ve gotten sick of cows goring fat pregnant chics, figured he’d get into some steamy girl stories. With Rabbi’s students getting off under their Rabbi’s bed watching him fuck his wife. Nasty. But I’ll parody the different gemara stuff another post.

Most likely to be wearing: The younger guys: Nike sneakers, dark dockers and a polo- maybe ralph Lauren, more likely Tommy or maybe even Hollister for the realll cool guys.

Older guys: white shirt, tzitzis, black pants and huge yarmulka. hat and jacket goes without saying. Or maybe not, if he’s a hocker.

Motive: Bragging rights. Heck, maybe he’ll get into the Yated for landing himself in the hospital.

2. Oiveid Hashem:

Age: 14-40

Favorite activity: The fact that your even asking vos ich hub leeb tzu tun, is mamesh a geferlecheh chillul hashem! The only thing vos a yeshiva man want, the most important zach i deh velt vus mir ken tun, iz tzu lernen der eibeshters heiligeh heligeh torah ayayayy…

Drink of Choice: wine or schnapps.

Time of Drinking: Purim is the only time a year that ah mentch is shayach to reach the kedusha oof Yom Kippur! And even better vibalt it’s durch simcha! Nichnas yayin yatzah soid! Ah! Moiiiiredig! Chayav inish livisoomay bipoorayah ad diloh yada! And the Mitzvah is only with wine…

Also noch davening shabbos morning at the kiddush, a shot or two of bourbon never hurt anyone…

Most likely to be wearing: wrinkled white shirt, black shiny dress pants and mismatched black jacket. Dusty used-to-be-black but turned grey brimmed down hat. Shoes scuffed and ugly.

Motive: Ah mentch darf nisht hubben ah ta’am far deenin der eibeshter.

3. Dude in Israel for Shana Alef or Bet:

Age:17-20

Favorite activity: Depending on which Yeshiva he went to (also for another post) either going to Zolly’s and getting blowjobs in the bathroom or fucking the shit out of the yeshivish looking sem girl in his dorm room. But they’ll always be sure not to get caught…might ruin the chics shidduch chances. Ha- that slut will be wearing short shorts and tank tops within 6 weeks of getting back from Israel.

Drink of Choice: Hooka. Oh, its not a drink? Well some pot in the hooka mixed with some vodka redbull ain’t too bad a deal.

Time of Drinking: best is straight out of bed, after you manage to push her off you and realize you have a pounding headache and no memories of how or when you ordered pizza. And why it’s moldy is another question, for another time. And best thing for a hangover as they say is more beer. Can’t hurt, that’ for sure. Usually warm beer from a half drunk can which probably was last touched by the lips of the girl you just climbed out from under. And shes also the cause of all that goddam itching. Good luck brotha!

Most likely to be wearing:

Option 1: Baggy khakhis, rumpled t-shirt, naots.

Option 2: Jeans, untucked american eagle shirt, naots.

Option 3: Black pants, used to be starched untucked white shirt and crocs, probably dark in color. Or maybe bright orange. Depends- on what? I dunno.

Motive: survival, buddy, survival.

4. Post Israel Barely Religious Dude

I like ti call these guys Frum But Not Religious. They don’t keep anything but still go places for shabbos and eat at mainly kosher establishments even tho they’ll be using their cell phones on shabbos and have bacon egg and cheese on the way to Atlantic City if they somehow missed stopping at Dunkin on 18th.

Age: 20-24

Favorite Activity: Titties. And don’t tell me that’s not an activity. Better than Christmas!

This guy drinks alot:

Time of drinking, drink of choice and motive: A. House party, flat beer from a keg and jack and coke, getting with the drunk slut. Read drunk slut in the plural form. As in when I talk  to 300 ppl at once and say “you”. And btw who the fuck said there has to be a motive??

B. Club, Vodka cranberry orange juice, getting with- well anything that moves and has boobs. Cuz most guys end up paying through the roof for those drinks, unless they have a hookup ( I know I do, many actually :p) so they must be desperate at that point. Like my friend said- fat chics are great for one thing- giving great blowjobs, well cuz they know how to eat!

C. Hooka bar: don’t get me started.

Most likely to be wearing: Fitted t or nice shirt. Jeans, brown pointy shoes with dragon designs on the front.

5. Post Party Day Ex Yeshiva Rebel:

Age: 25-30

Favorite Activity: Making money. Loads of money. And then some.

Time of Drinking: After work on random nights at high end hotel bars where they play soft music and in the movies some hooker always sits down and with the look of a shrewd business woman, softly whispers something in his ear while her hand…I’m getting carried away, dammit.

Drink of Choice: Scotch on the rocks. Something golden in a nice glass should do the trick.

Motive: so much stress can only be relieved one way…

Most likely to be wearing: Armani suit, shirt and dress shoes. And if he used to be satmar….he probably still has his bluetooth in…

K so here I am. First day at my new job. And no it wasn’t that post I wrote about my boss. Glad to be done there.

8 am.

Gotta wear my goddam yarmulka- owner is my dads student – thinks I’m religious- really annoying.  I walk in the quiet frum guy walks up to me. Points me over to my new desk and tells me Jonathan – the guy showing me around will be in soon. I wait. Get the code to unlock the computer. Surf the web. Check out the history. No porn. So far so ….good? Definitely a huge Frum Satire fan. Then some rebels something or other jackets. Seems like my predecessor was either some type of Hells Angels dude or he just likes those type of clothes. I’ll find out when he gets here.

8:40 am.

Woman walks in. Not sure of she’s religous or not. She certainly thinks I am. She doesn’t offer her hand. This is just too awkward. Fuck it- ill just offer my hand. This is so silly. When’s the last time I thought about shaking a girls hand?! Wtf.

So the guys was supposed to be hear by 9. I’m still waiting. No sweat. Another dude who looks like life passed him by- he’s only 35-40 walks in. I’d say names Kalman or something. Probably has a fat wife with 3 kids under age 5. This is gonna be interesting. Hopefully ill get my headshots b4 october so I can start auditioning and balance out all this intense religion that just burst onto the SCENE I call life. Its really hot in here. Not sure if its the sun shining on me or the fact that the AC is set wrong. Fuck. I’m tired- I just got back from AC last nite. I’m also hungry- I didn’t eat anything yet.

9:30 am.

Jonathan’s here. Not goth. At all. Ok good. Maybe I’m too judgmental. Its in my blood. Anyway he has to go to Brooklyn for business stuff. I go along. Religion comes up in conversation. Says something about being himself and hugging the girls in the office just because its funny to see everyone’s reaction. I definitely hear that one!

Then- No, I’m not religious. Yes I know I’m wearing a kippa.

Lifes a bitch. Shudda just walked in without it. Or maybe not.

We see a guy on the platform. I immediately try to guess his life story- which yeshiva, where he lives, shomer or not religous level etc. Like I said I’m a judgmental bastard. Yeshiva education- what can I do. And, no my Rabbi didn’t touch me. Surprising, I know. Guess I wasn’t good enough for him.

Then here comes the weird part. I tell Jonathan that I have a blog called Kissmeimshomer, because he mentioned something about Frum Satire. He tell me he has a friend, lets call her Rachel (shout out!). This friend is an avid Frum Satire reader. He says he must call her because she must know who I am. OK.

He calls her. Tells her he’s hanging out with me. She said something like “How’d you manage that??!” (put in high pitched scream here- nah I kid, she wasn’t that excited. I’m defintely blowing this up.) She said she wouldnt know what to say to me, well neither would I. Know what to say to her, that is. So we spoke. I must say it  was a weird feeling to have a complete stranger kind of recognize me. I like. I think I am gonna pursue this acting thing after all. ( which, BTW I am already doing. Great coach- email me for his info.)

1:30pm.

We get back to the office. Shit- looks like there’s a MINCHA MINYAN at 2. Damn. Gotta go fake davening- just like everyone else in the room…. and move on. Jonathan shows me gum. Ok…I’ll have one…?  Oh he was trying to say he eats not kosher gum. I hadn’t realized it was the brand he was showing me, not the gum. My bad. He’s a great guy, very modern orthodox but very purposeful about it. If it were possible to convince him that being a hardcore chassid was the truth he’d do it no matter how hard it is. None of that I don’t give a shit thing we  ex faker yeshivish ppl have in us. But no worries- it isn’t possible. And not cuz being chassidish isn’t the truth, although that certanly is a true statement, but because- well you gotta know Jonathan.

4pm.

Oh ya then there’s the kosher food cooked by the local rabbis wife. Ya sounds like I work in Massapequa. wherever that is. But one never knows, even NYC can have a local  rabbi. Whose wife makes a mean Schnitzel.

Some woman who reminds me of the woman our yeshiva used to employ mentions that its good I’m getting told all the important stuff. Ok…but it is good to know where to get Kosher, well if you kinda gotta keep up the image of a semi nice Jewish boy.

Which I’m not. Nice, that is.

5pm.

About to leave. Boss calls me over we chat for a while. Nice guy seems to know what he’s doing. We go outside and he shows me around . Not bad. There’s certainly room to move in this company and it could be kinda cool. Time will tell.

So here’s the moral dilemma of the day. Well I’m not seriously considering this, or maybe I am. Not sure. Let me describe my family for a second to give you some background.

My dad’s an intense personality. As one of his friends, my former Rabbi, once told me that he knows my parents to be not necessarily the most yeshivish people he knows, but definitely the most frum.

My mom’s more open minded, having grown up in day schools. She became more yeshivish as the years went on, especially after my oldest sister got married. That’s when Yinglish expressions became part of her daily vernacular to some extent or another – it’s still funny to hear it from her.

A year back when I was still somewhat religious and they had no idea where I was up to, she always told me I can go work and she doesn’t think that me learning is a greater fulfillment of who I am, considering that I am more than just someone who knows how to learn (gee thanks Mom- permission to go to work). She told me my dad’s someone who sees potential as a black and white thing- ie) you can learn well, so go learn!  She mentioned to me how he didn’t see a person as a whole with other issues and interests etc.

Looking at it from another side of things she definitely believes in the life she leads- which is a good thing- but she definitely is one of those people that believes her way is correct to the exclusion of other ways. When I mentioned at one point that I would eat fish at a regular bar (at that point either I had been partially keeping kosher or wasn’t but didn’t care to share) her reaction was one of  “c’mon, stop being so immature.” So she’s very much in that world but somewhat knowledgeable of the normal world. Somewhat.

My sister- well I already told you all you need to know about her. My other sister’s as yeshivish as her except more open minded. My brothers-in-law are super yeshivish – kind of like their wives.

The issue at hand is my little sister. She’s preteen. Well she SHOULD be preteen considering she’s 12. She should be headed off to her Disney concerts and be fighting for or against Team Edward. Or maybe she’d be into the whole goth thing. Who knows.

She’s a miniature version of my oldest sister. She’s got that whole holier-than-thou tznius thing going on. Probably never spoke to a boy her age who isn’t related to her, and has never seen a movie. If I put on the radio while driving her somewhere she gives me a look and laughs, not as if she’s uncomfortable with the music I’m listening to, but more like she doesn’t quite understand why “goyish” music is on. I can almost see her trying to figure out why her brother has music on that she only hears in Sears or from the workers doing construction at our house. Now the shit they play in Sears NEVER comes out of my speakers. Try telling her that. To her it’s all lumped together. Yeshivish vs Goyim.

I was driving her to a friend a few months back on my way to help a friend study for her test. She asked where I was going. I told her. Her response? ” HER test???!!” She can’t fathom anything other than her small narrow world. Unlike most girls in Brooklyn who are somewhat aware of the world out there, my sister is completely and wholly in the dark.

And it’s even moving on to the next generation. My oldest sisters 4 year old boy asked me why I was wearing gray pants. Charcoal gray suit pants, mind you.

So, here’s the dilemma:

Do I corrupt my little sister or not?

No, corrupt is the wrong word. Do I sit back and watch my little sister follow in her older sister’s strange footsteps, or do I find some way to make her slightly more normal.

I’m not talking about becoming not religious. Just to let her know about the world of religious people in the NY area who are far more – what’s the right word- open minded? I have plenty of religious friends who are quite normal thank you very much. She just never gets to meet that crowd. So yes or no?

And if so, how?

Would love to hear from everyone. Just remember, I didn’t actually say I’m doing it. Just sayin.

I know I said I’d talk about OTD stuff, but frankly I’m not in the mood. I’m sort of in a very rebellious state these days. Truth is that’s not being fair to myself. I’m not at all rebellious. I’m just expressing my love for culture. Nice things. The beauty of life. Taking a girl for a late night dinner by the water, enjoying some fish and imported wine. It pains me greatly to know that never will I have the chance to be a young highschool boy discovering his first love and the excitement of going of to prom with the girl you finally gathered up the courage to ask out.

I’m sitting in downtown Manahattan penning my thoughts while listening to country music and the words of my old friends from my yeshiva days float to my conscious thinking. ” A God fearing Jew should know better”. I wholeheartedly agree to those words. Except for two things. That statement was constantly drilled into us in reference to things like getting up to daven in the morning on time or not looking at the covers of People and Star magazines while in line at the local supermarket. No feasting your eyes on what every guy spends most his waking moments thinking about to some degree or another. Supress normal emotions. I’d like to say that statement to people who aren’t honest, or people who step all over others. not to teenage guys looking at Angelina. Seriously.

The other problem I have with the statement is why only God fearing Jews and stuff? Why isn’t that demanded because we should all be good decent people? Why bring Jews in the picture. Then God fearing part- shouldn’t we be good people because – well we should be?

Either way as I had been saying, I really appreciate those things which the standard yeshiva or ex yeshiva guy looks at with some level of “thats all bullshit.” The beauty of taking a girl to some street fair in some random town buying some Italian Ices watching the sunset and stopping to kiss in middle of Main Street (think Brad paisleys American Saturday Night) is something most guys rebelling lose. Partying is awesome of course, but there are other things too.

And please, parents let your kids live. I mean it.

I mean shouldn’t everyone be allowed to follow their heart? Say a kid wants to be an actor, a model, a musician, writer, TV producer or professional swimmer, how dare parents supress that? Okay so there are obvious and not so obvious negative results in each path. Whether or not all actors and athletes are happy or not isn’y the point. Even if they aren’t, life’s about learning from your mistakes. Is it better that someone should supress a passion, and always wonder what ould have been had he pursued it?

Ok so heres the note to rebels. In order to rebel properly, you gotta actually join the culture out there, not form your own subculture based on what you took from yeshiva, albeit unknowingly. Not everything is ‘gay’. Can’t quite explain that one but if you get it, great. Join the culture. NYC is a great place. There are great spots all over. Some of the best wine tasting bars out there are here under our noses. And no, its not gay to go wine tasting. So stfu.

NYC LIVES ON!