The Definition of Wrong

For those of you who have trouble distinguishing between right and wrong, I offer you a visual representation... Any questions?

What defines something as wrong? Technically is there something wrong with banging a goat? It’s sick, disgusting and if I know anyone who did it I’d never talk to them again. But I think we define wrong as something that is out of our societal norms. let me give a few examples:

Oh, and please don’t leave comments telling me I’m making stereoypes etc. I’m not dumb. I’m well aware that most people in each segment probably don’t conform to those stereotypes, but that’s why they’re called stereotypes. Cuz that’s all it is. A stereoype, not reality.

Someone learning at R’ Avrohom Yehoshua: I know a bochur who’s mamesh messed up.  He learns more than a blatt every half year. He zicher doesn’t have right p’shat. He also has a second cousin that goes to YU.

Someone at R’ Tzvi: walking outside without hat and jacket, or coming to shiur after the door is locked…

Mir: Um…

BJJ girl: Marrying a boy from the other Brisk.

Hadar: Not listening to every word Mrs. Orenstein says.

All the Yeshivas with acronyms: AJ, TJ, OJ etc. : Listening to the Rabbis. A definite no-no.

YU: Disparaging The Rav, or referring to Rav Chaim when saying The Rav.

Upper West Side guy before 23: Having sex. So young to give up on finding a true mate.

Upper West Side guy after 23: Taking off your Yarmulka before walking into a bar. What’s there to be ashamed of. Leaving with a girl just shows your straight, that’s cool.

Chabad Dudes: You can do what you like, sleep with how ever many people you like, go to South America on a road trip and not keep Shabbos, but for God’s sake, don’t forget The Rebbe is big stuff, MaMesh.

Chabad Girls: Not liking hooka. A true chabad girl loves nothing more than to spend an evening with 8 mendys a 10 mushkys and 4 hookas.

Liberals, not necessarily Jewish: Not caring about the environment. Not caring about animals. Not being into art. Being homophobic. All terrible things.

Frat Boys: Being into art. So gay. Environment’s cool, anything resembling pop culture is bad.

Upper East Side Ladies: Most of them have plastic surgery once they hit 40 and are still ugly as sin, so being naturally beautiful is a crime. As is not having been married 3 times, robbing the guy of all his money each time. After all, they deserve SOME peace in their lives. Having a child that didn’t attend an ultra-elite prep school is taboo. Going out Saturday night with their lady friends and drinking martinis or vodka tonics is standard.

Hipsters: When they aren’t smoking up and can coherently think, it’s definitely wrong to not know what real music is. Real music is only something that just about all Americans never heard before. It also must have a vinyl edition somewhere out there. Deodorant is optional.

Hot Chanies: Not going to Miami for pesach is worse than the nail salon being closed when you get there. It’s wrong to be in NY over pesach. Very wrong.

Introducing the Foreskins!

I don't wanna know where their other hands are...

My friend started a new band called “The Foreskins” and figured I’d give you guys a sneak peak to the song titles of his new album “Pedophile in The Shteeble”. The titles came (!) to him when in a flash of sheer genius he blurted these out. As they say, there isn’t a genius without a “touch” of madness…pun intended. :p

1. Stroke the Beard

2. Chap the Rebbe’s Tish (Under the Rebbe’s Tish?)

3. Mikva Tance

4. Under the Bekeshe

5. Shake My Lulav

6.Tzvai Kreplach

7. Touched By A Rabbi

8. Matzah Ball Sandwich

9. Foreskin Gemach

10. Gay Shlufen

11. Placenta Inda Cholent

12. Blow My Shofer

Fios Gartels and Porn Stars

I had no other image to post and this one seemed to say it all. Whatever "it" is.

Just wanna blurt out two small tidbits from the depths of my brain.

I had to step in for a Minyan today at my company…can’t exactly refuse that if they insist- they’re paying me after all. This dude there was wearing one of those wire cables you use for a laptop, as a Gartel!

I say the dude should’ve used Fios cable; he’d have had a faster connection. But seriously, WTF.

Next: My friend found all his old Yeshiva stuff, notes, books, etc. and mentioned to me jokingly (or maybe he was serious…) he wants to burn that shit. Said he was traumatized by the memories. He had some pretty shitty experiences so I don’t blame him, though I can’t say I’d actually BURN anything of my own. That’s a pretty intense action, but I’ll be more than happy to supply the lighter fluid.

Bye.

Lookin’ Like A Fool With Your Pants on The Ground!

All throughout my early innocent childhood years I repeatedly heard people talk about what happens if you find yourself walking down the street when you suddenly realize your Armani suit pants contain wool and linen.

As some of you may know, such an article of clothing is prohibited according to Jewish Law. This Law is known as a Chok, which means we don’t know the reason for it.

Blindly following some random obscure law isn’t a favorite pasttime of mine, but even less savory would be to pants myself in public. You see, the prohibition against wearing clothing containing wool and linen is considered so severe, whereupon discovering that the pants you are wearing are made of illegal material, one must remove them immediately.

Every time this law and consequential scenario were brought up, an argument ensued, where the frummies insisted they would definitely comply, and the rest of us said the frummies wouldn’t. We of course never would. Nor would we believe that the person we considered our sane classmate would either. I can just see the story in the papers “Yeshiva student arrested after publicly removing his pants…”

Seriously? Does any sane person actually believe God wants you to remove your pants in public to avoid wearing wool and linen? I find it hard to believe he even cares! As a German friend of mine exclaimed upon hearing the laws of Shatnez “So if you rape someone you go to hell, if you wear a linen suit…its EPIC HELL for you!”

I mean if embarrasing someone else in public is like killing someone, shouldn’t embarrassing yourself in public be something along the lines of suicide? I know it isn’t but the absurdity of it all kinda speaks for itself.

I think I’ll open a clothing line for women, say wool skirts. At a certain time, maybe right after shul when all the women are congregated yapping about god knows what, I’ll announce that theres some linen in there too. It”ll be like Improv Everywhere’s No Pants Subway Ride. Party on.

Some more reasons a Yeshiva Bochur may strip in public:

1. He realized his shirt wasn’t completely white – it had faint blue lines.

2. He realized his shirt was actually clean and not wrinkled.

3. His pants weren’t mirrors yet. One’s pants must be very shiny to be considered a top bochur.

4. He realized his pants weren’t black. Grey won’t do – he’d have to go to one of those more modern Yeshivos for that- maybe Chaim Berlin.

For a Bais Yaakov girl:

1. Her stockings had a seam. If you’re chassidish it’d be because they had no seam.

2. Skirt is too long. A skirt that goes past the “3 inches above the ankle line” is flary and may give Bachurim hard-ons. Better be accused of forgetting to put one on then buying one that you shouldn’t.

3. Neckline plunges way to low. I’m talking some serious collarbone action here.

4. Her shirt was tight enough to realize she had boobs larger than an A cup. Not that there’s anything wrong with A cups.

5. If she is married:

Hot chanie: realizes she’s wearing a snood in public, removes it.

Chassid: she realizes her hat on top of her shaitel blew off,

 

or perhaps she had playboy bunnies on her head and realized it, unlike this woman...

 

so removed it, revealing her shiny bald scalp. Sexy. Better people should thing she’s a single woman with alopecia or god forbid something worse, than be caught without that double covering. (If they’d just not shave their heads, maybe one covering would be enough?)

 

I guess she was wearing Shatnez too. You can see the joy of doing a good deed just shining from her holy face.

 

“Matzav.com, Our Opinion is News”

This pic has nothing to do with the article...it was just too awesome not to post it!

Ever heard the expression “foot in mouth”? This guy has his foot stuffed in there. The whole goddam thing.

Here is an article from Matzav.com I came across. Words cannot be sufficient in pointing out the authors blatant ignorance and utter stupidity, so instead I’ll show the areas in red where he makes sure to clearly let us know just how cult-like he sounds. I’ll add my comment in blue.

By Elisha Ferber, Matzav.com

I address this to Matzav.com readers for their thoughts on the ever disturbing trend of kids in our communities going off the derech.

There is a misnomer, I believe, when it comes to analyzing the trend of kids going off the derech. I have heard many people, including so-called educators and some commenters on Matzav.com, claim that the more sheltered children are, the more prone they are to go off the derech. I agree that there are people who are driving kids off the derech. These are the people – to take one recent example – who are telling girls not to wear makeup on their wedding day (see the story from yesterday here onMatzav.com.) These are the people who prefer to forbid everything in sight, as opposed to presenting Yiddishkeit as the beautiful lifestyle it is. (It is? Or can be?) There are people and yeshivos that aren’t recognizing the needs of our kids and responding appropriately to them. (No shit, Watson!) There are those who just don’t get it.

But then there are those who do. We do have people who are sterling role models and can imbue our kids with the right message and attitude (The right one, if only life would be that easy.) My nephew was fortunate to attend the Philadelphia Yeshiva where he witnessed the hanhagos of the rosh hayeshiva, Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky, and his son, Rav Shalom Kamenetsky. His father always told him, “Watch Rav Shmuel, and watch Rav Shalom. These are the people you should try to emulate. They are true representations of Torah and what Hashem wants us to be.” (They for sure know what God wants)

But I digress, dear Matzav.com readers.

Getting back to kids going off the derech… I have heard so many times that it’s the “yeshivishe” kids who go off the derech. (Others say it’s the chassidishe kids, but I will not comment on that, because, being Litvish myself, I have limited knowledge of the trends in thechassidishe kehillos.)

To be clear, the claim that yeshivishe kids go off the derech more than, say, Modern Orthodox kids do is simply misleading for numerous reasons. The main reason is because those who go off thederech do what any Modern Orthodox kid does “beheter.”

A good friend of mine, a social worker of our community, attended a conference of Orthodox therapists. She was surprised to learn that problems with off-the-derech kids are much, much worse in Modern Orthodox communities. Whereas our unhappy boys mostly rebel by wearing colored shirts and sneakers, or even going to the malls or the movies, the Modern Orthodox kids aren’t satisfied until they’ve sunken into drugs and more. (Because wearing colored shirts and – gasp – sneakers, is a gross sin) And you know what those kids, who were raised on TV, unlimited internet, etc., say to their therapists? That their parents were so terribly restrictive, so fanatical and old-fashioned, that they had no choice but to rebel.

Of the very few yeshivish or chassidish off-the-derech kids who went all the way, so to speak, with chillul Shabbos and tarfos r”l and otheraveiros chamuros, most did teshuvah after a few years and settled down on a Modern Orthodox level or came back all the way (MO isn’t ALL THE WAY enough for them. You have to wear shoes and white shirts to be fully religious.) One reason is because they’re unequipped to deal with the world out there. I’d say that at least 90% of them are kids from broken homes or boys with learning disabilities that weren’t adequately addressed. Their secular education is almost non-existent and they’re not smart enough to get ahead. So they come back to our communities. (Read: We know that the only way to keep children from becoming secular is to make sure they are unequipped to deal with the real world, and have no choice to return to the cult called Yeshivish Judaism.)

A smart kid from a good home in our communities going off-the-derech is almost unheard of. (Because it isn’t Judaism itself that’s flawed, it always needs to be blamed on something else.) Can it happen? Yes. But it is rare. The overall off-the-derech rate is a small percentage. Granted, every boy who leaves our path is one too many, but in the vast majority of cases, their rebellion stemmed from a family problem, a learning disability, abuse, or something of that sort.

So when we discuss the issue of teens at risk and kids going off thederech, let’s keep this all in perspective. (ignorance is bliss).

{Matzav.com Newscenter} (News is objective. An opinion column is subjective. My blog isn’t news. Apparently neither is Matzav.com)

Giving Up Judaism for Orthodoxy

I’m sitting here in my bed listening to some amazing recordings of Kol Nidrei Chazzanus that Heshy Fried posted.  I find myself both nostalgic and sad. Regardless of the validity of Judaism, it is certainly beautiful at times.

I have just watched a documentary on air travel, and I find my mind to be floating in the memories of LA travel as a kid. LA to me was always a place where I was able to feel the echoes of Judaism as it was in the 1940’s, 50’s 60′ and 70’s. Not the black and white clad version where Rabbi’s with long beards attempted- rather successfully- in pulling Judaism back into the dark ages of the Shtetl, but rather the echoes of the massive shuls of the 40’s we had after the war, and the Hebrew Day School types that thrived in out of town commuities before the term out of town was coined.

Perhaps that feeling was brought out by being in my grandparent’s home there, where seeing my grandparents,  normal people who happened to be Jewish and older people, connected me in some weird way to the Jews of yesteryear. Sadly my grandfather changed, as he aged he too got influenced by the yeshivish movement and became slightly more closedminded.

Listening to Kol Nidrei now just added to the feeling that the Yeshivish world, in an attempt to authenticate Orthodoxy, lost Judaism. The culture and refinement that infused so much inspiration into Judaism of the 60’s, and added so much glory, it itself was perhaps an anchor that kept many clinging to it. Perhaps that glory itself gave meaning to Judasim in a way that debating over minute laws of tying shoes and enforcing self created dress codes cannot possibly accomplish.

And perhaps being raised in a home where my mom grew up with day schools and can still appreciate the refined side of Judaism, the side where culture infiltrates, has allowed me to not completely disassociate myself with them.

The Mashgiach’s Secret Life

SOME PEOPLE MAY BE OFFENDED BY THIS GUY. TOO BAD.

He woke up at 4am. Thirty minutes until he walked out his front door. He had to get dressed, shower and eat breakfast. He carefully put on his tzitzis making sure to leave them hanging out his black pants.
Breakfast he ate quickly and ran out to begin his days adventures.

First was the ride to his place of employment. He worked as the Mashgiach in a kitchen. Known at work as Rabbi ———  he would sit in his corner and observe the goings on to ensure everything was according to halacha. Although he was very young his appearance was that of a learned yeshiva bachur. After all, the only way he got the job was because they assumed he was Yeshivish. Only religious people can be trusted as a Mashgiach.

Came yom kippur. He showered, got dressed and ate the meal before the fast with his family. He left his house as his family went to shul for kol nidrei. he headed his car and drove to the movies. Got some popcorn and coke. Watched a few movies and went home in time for sunrise.

Went home, ate breakfast and went to sleep. Woke up and “broke his fast” with the family. Ready for another week at his job as a Mashgiach. If only they knew…

I know this guy well – he really exists.

Off the Derech People Are Dangerous and Can Sleep With Your Daughter

Reposted from In My Humble Jewish Opinion, a dead or sleeping blog.

Charedim try to “dance at all parties” by making sex completely taboo, yet fearing it looms around every corner.

This past week’s Chinuch Roundtable in the Yated made me kind of upset.
The question came from a parent who has two teenaged daughters and an 8-year-old son. They live near a frum drug rehab center. The residents there are in their 20s, have gone off the derech, many come from rabbinical households or yichus, and are “hungry for a home. “

She asks whether she should worry about the influence that these kids will have on her children.
“I would like to know your feelings regarding exposing children to these types of boys and their sometimes off-color comments.” In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?

In my opinion, she answered her own question when she ended her letter with the following, in parenthesis for some odd reason, “In the last few years, some of these boys have become Shomer Shabbos. One went to Eretz Yisrael and one even married a frum girl.”

The rabbis on the panel were faced with a tough question. Many of them wrote that they asked their own rabbonim to get their thoughts on the matter.

What surprised me was the number of rabbis who chose to focus on the males in their 20’s in the presence of teenaged girls. It’s not about the drugs. It’s not about the off-color comments. It’s not about the 8-year-old getting funny ideas in his head. No. It’s about the chance that one of these guys would hit on the teenagers.

Notice that the writer didn’t mention anything of that nature happening over the past few years. I think these guys know that if they were to do anything inappropriate, they wouldn’t be allowed back there. Thus, had they attempted to hit on the daughters, the writer would no longer have this question.

Clearly, these young men value these meals, and are grateful to be invited to a warm, welcoming frum home, and they are willing do what it takes to maintain a good rapport with this family.

I have a lot of respect for this family for giving these guys something that they perhaps lacked throughout their teen years. A warm, welcoming home. We don’t know for sure, but I’d venture to say that this family had a share in the other young men’s successes.

The rabbis go so far as to say even if these guys were bachurim in a yeshiva, they don’t belong in a home with teenaged daughters.

This attitude only allows me to conclude one thing. These rabbonim seem to think that every man is a horny animal and every woman is a sex object.

I have a brother 3 1/2 years my senior. Does that mean he should never have any friends over? Do these rabbis think that we’ll be playing footsie under the table since he’s a guy and I’m a girl?! Is every guy that horny?

A healthy ta’avas nashim is necessary for the functioning of any male in society.
In other words, yes, men want to have sex. That is how Hashem created them.

Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that every guy is a sack of raging hormones, and every girl is a sex object. There is more to both sexes than, well, sex.

One rav wrote, “Even if these bochurim were the best bochurim in Lakewood, they should never be invited to a home that has older daughters.” (If “older” is 19+ and they are seeking a learning guy — well, G-d forbid a shidduch come out of this and prevent the two of them from experiencing the sometimes painful shidduch system! That would be just tragic, wouldn’t it — Sorry, I digressed. Couldn’t help it.)

Clearly, the other very important issue at hand, which I believe is what the letter-writer was really asking, is whether these guys who “fell into the wrong crowd” and throw in an off-color comment once in a while, put the children at risk. That is for another day, perhaps.

My thoughts:

She’s a little bit all over the place but what I want to point out are the issue of frum people- not all of them- focusing on things for the stigma associated with it rather than the actual problem.

The other thing is about the shidduch system- why indeed are they so afraid of young people meeting in a healthy environment?

As for guys being a raging sack of hormones- we definitely are, but that doesn’t mean every girl is a sex object. That’s almost as much up to the way the girl puts out, as it is up to the way the guy treats a girl.

The last point is more a comment on the way the post, or the question in the newspaper was written. And I quote from the blog’s author “In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?”  It makes people with issues into cases. Now, perhaps being on drugs warrants being termed a “case” but something tells me their being called a case arose from their not being religious, not the fact that they may have been crackheads.

Now I think I’m all over the place too. Oh well.

"Hem Rotzim V'anu Ro'im". Too funny not to put in here even though it's completely irrelevant.

Rosh Hashana Vs. Thursday

September 7, 2010:

Yesterday I spent the day with my friends in the city. We walked around a bit, shopped a bit and even shared one of those big cupcakes from crumbs. We went for pizza and finished off the day with a movie. I came home, made lunch for today watched an episode of Weeds- I just finished Nip/Tuck so its time to shop for a new show- and went to bed.

I woke up today at 7 worked out for a bit, showered got dressed, ate a nice breakfast and went to work. And here I am.

And tonite I’ll probably chill with someone and then go to bed. Peacefully. Tomorrow I’ll eat the meal with my family, go to sleep and wake up around 11 on Thursday at which point I may or may not go hear Shofar. Or not. Either way. If I have my car ( I dont always have it) I may hit the beach. We’ll see. It’ll be a nice long 4 day vacation. On the heels of this past Labor Day weekend it’s a bit much- I need the money.

September 2008:

I went to second seder- a bit late cuz I had a wash to do- and got yelled at by my older Chavrusa when I told him why I was late. His argument? “If you had a plane to catch you wouldn’t have been late doing a wash”. True, but the Bais Medrash isn’t a plane. Doesn’t even have TV screens.

Anyway, I finished sitting across from my Gemara 3 hours later. Ran to get some greasy food from the Yeshiva’s cafeteria, and then ran back up for Maariv. I watched the people around me Daven like the world was coming to an end. Or at least what they imagined they’d be doing the day before their world may or may not come to an end.

Night seder, the time for a haircut. One of my good friends, a very Yeshivish but  totally awesome dude was amazing at giving haircuts. And he wouldn’t charge me. He was kidding around about giving me a mohawk, when someone form the hallway gave him a look, and said in as serious a voice as he can muster “Nu, Elul!”

The next morning, Erev Rosh Hashanah I forced myself to get out of bed, and with a feeling of some big burden and annoyance waiting for me over the next two days, Davened and said Hataras Nedarim very carefully. After all, can’t have all those horrible vows on me. Gives me a bad rap with God or something like that. Either way, you can be sure I was verrry careful with saying Hataras Nedarim.

The day would go by, I’d go to a shiur on the meaning of Mussaf, and generally walk around trying to feel serious.

The trying. I’ve just pinpointed it. There was so much trying. Trying to feel serious in September. Trying to be sad on Tish’a B’av. This time of year was always dreaded. I had to try to feel something that was difficult to feel, and feel guilty if I was unable to sit through a 8 hour davening. I did it, and it always went faster than I thought it would. Yet, the feeling was always mostly relief when it was all over. That happiness I always felt after yom kippur I had always contributed to feeling clean from sin, yet I think it was more about feelingintense relief that I didnt have to sit in shul 8 hours again for a whole year.

The contrast between the pre holiday days then and the days now are striking. So much more normal now, thank you very much.

Scotch, Sex and Drinking

While I’m on the topic of the evils of drinking I figured I’d make a list of different scenarios in which different people have a drink…or two…or ten.

1. Yeshiva Guy Headline Whore:

Age: 10-19

Favorite Activity: smoking and talking about the time Yanky’s older brother beat up a goy. Oh, and he also likes to brag about how long it takes his Yeshiva to get through an amud gemara.

Drink of Choice: alcohol. Doesn’t matter what type, he barely knows a beer from a kettel one with 3 limes.

Time of Drinking: Purim and by his brother Yerucham’s siyum. He finished gantz seder nashim! (can’t blame him- must’ve gotten sick of cows goring fat pregnant chics, figured he’d get into some steamy girl stories. With Rabbi’s students getting off under their Rabbi’s bed watching him fuck his wife. Nasty. But I’ll parody the different gemara stuff another post.

Most likely to be wearing: The younger guys: Nike sneakers, dark dockers and a polo- maybe ralph Lauren, more likely Tommy or maybe even Hollister for the realll cool guys.

Older guys: white shirt, tzitzis, black pants and huge yarmulka. hat and jacket goes without saying. Or maybe not, if he’s a hocker.

Motive: Bragging rights. Heck, maybe he’ll get into the Yated for landing himself in the hospital.

2. Oiveid Hashem:

Age: 14-40

Favorite activity: The fact that your even asking vos ich hub leeb tzu tun, is mamesh a geferlecheh chillul hashem! The only thing vos a yeshiva man want, the most important zach i deh velt vus mir ken tun, iz tzu lernen der eibeshters heiligeh heligeh torah ayayayy…

Drink of Choice: wine or schnapps.

Time of Drinking: Purim is the only time a year that ah mentch is shayach to reach the kedusha oof Yom Kippur! And even better vibalt it’s durch simcha! Nichnas yayin yatzah soid! Ah! Moiiiiredig! Chayav inish livisoomay bipoorayah ad diloh yada! And the Mitzvah is only with wine…

Also noch davening shabbos morning at the kiddush, a shot or two of bourbon never hurt anyone…

Most likely to be wearing: wrinkled white shirt, black shiny dress pants and mismatched black jacket. Dusty used-to-be-black but turned grey brimmed down hat. Shoes scuffed and ugly.

Motive: Ah mentch darf nisht hubben ah ta’am far deenin der eibeshter.

3. Dude in Israel for Shana Alef or Bet:

Age:17-20

Favorite activity: Depending on which Yeshiva he went to (also for another post) either going to Zolly’s and getting blowjobs in the bathroom or fucking the shit out of the yeshivish looking sem girl in his dorm room. But they’ll always be sure not to get caught…might ruin the chics shidduch chances. Ha- that slut will be wearing short shorts and tank tops within 6 weeks of getting back from Israel.

Drink of Choice: Hooka. Oh, its not a drink? Well some pot in the hooka mixed with some vodka redbull ain’t too bad a deal.

Time of Drinking: best is straight out of bed, after you manage to push her off you and realize you have a pounding headache and no memories of how or when you ordered pizza. And why it’s moldy is another question, for another time. And best thing for a hangover as they say is more beer. Can’t hurt, that’ for sure. Usually warm beer from a half drunk can which probably was last touched by the lips of the girl you just climbed out from under. And shes also the cause of all that goddam itching. Good luck brotha!

Most likely to be wearing:

Option 1: Baggy khakhis, rumpled t-shirt, naots.

Option 2: Jeans, untucked american eagle shirt, naots.

Option 3: Black pants, used to be starched untucked white shirt and crocs, probably dark in color. Or maybe bright orange. Depends- on what? I dunno.

Motive: survival, buddy, survival.

4. Post Israel Barely Religious Dude

I like ti call these guys Frum But Not Religious. They don’t keep anything but still go places for shabbos and eat at mainly kosher establishments even tho they’ll be using their cell phones on shabbos and have bacon egg and cheese on the way to Atlantic City if they somehow missed stopping at Dunkin on 18th.

Age: 20-24

Favorite Activity: Titties. And don’t tell me that’s not an activity. Better than Christmas!

This guy drinks alot:

Time of drinking, drink of choice and motive: A. House party, flat beer from a keg and jack and coke, getting with the drunk slut. Read drunk slut in the plural form. As in when I talk  to 300 ppl at once and say “you”. And btw who the fuck said there has to be a motive??

B. Club, Vodka cranberry orange juice, getting with- well anything that moves and has boobs. Cuz most guys end up paying through the roof for those drinks, unless they have a hookup ( I know I do, many actually :p) so they must be desperate at that point. Like my friend said- fat chics are great for one thing- giving great blowjobs, well cuz they know how to eat!

C. Hooka bar: don’t get me started.

Most likely to be wearing: Fitted t or nice shirt. Jeans, brown pointy shoes with dragon designs on the front.

5. Post Party Day Ex Yeshiva Rebel:

Age: 25-30

Favorite Activity: Making money. Loads of money. And then some.

Time of Drinking: After work on random nights at high end hotel bars where they play soft music and in the movies some hooker always sits down and with the look of a shrewd business woman, softly whispers something in his ear while her hand…I’m getting carried away, dammit.

Drink of Choice: Scotch on the rocks. Something golden in a nice glass should do the trick.

Motive: so much stress can only be relieved one way…

Most likely to be wearing: Armani suit, shirt and dress shoes. And if he used to be satmar….he probably still has his bluetooth in…